A strong relationship grows with love, trust, and respect. However, no matter how close you are, certain requests can create resentment, tension, and even long-term damage. Many couples unknowingly make these two common mistakes when making demands of each other. Here’s why they are harmful and what you should do instead.
1. Never Ask Your Partner to Be Someone They’re Not
Encouraging personal growth is great, but expecting your partner to change their core personality is unfair. When you ask them to act differently from who they truly are, it sends the message that they are not good enough as they are.
Example:
Jonah is a quiet person who likes spending weekends at home reading or creating art. His girlfriend, Tessa, is highly social and loves big gatherings. She often says, “I wish you were more outgoing,” or “Why can’t you be the type of guy who enjoys being the center of attention?”
Over time, Jonah starts feeling like Tessa wants someone entirely different. This can cause frustration, emotional withdrawal, and distance in their relationship.
Why This Is Harmful:
Forcing your partner to change their fundamental nature makes them feel unappreciated and unaccepted. It can lead to frustration and emotional detachment.
What to Do Instead:
Instead of trying to change your partner, appreciate their unique qualities and find ways to meet in the middle. Tessa could say, “I know big parties aren’t your thing, but I’d love it if you could join me at one sometimes. In return, I’d love to spend a quiet weekend doing something you enjoy.”
This way, both partners feel valued and heard.
2. Never Make Them Choose Between You and a Loved One
When you’re feeling insecure or upset, it might be tempting to issue ultimatums. However, asking your partner to cut ties with a family member, close friend, or even a meaningful hobby can quickly damage trust.
Example:
Olivia and her fiancé, Marcus, share a deep bond. However, Olivia doesn’t get along with Marcus’s best friend, Devin. She feels Devin is a bad influence and often tells Marcus, “I don’t understand why you even spend time with him. If you loved me, you wouldn’t.”
Why This Is Harmful:
When someone is forced to choose between their partner and a loved one, resentment starts building. Even if they comply, they may secretly feel bitter about it, which can weaken the relationship over time.
What to Do Instead:
If you have concerns about someone in your partner’s life, express them calmly and respectfully instead of making demands. For example, Olivia might say, “I sometimes feel uneasy around Devin because of XYZ.” Can we discuss how to handle this together?”
This approach encourages honest communication rather than creating control and conflict.
Final Thoughts
Love thrives in an atmosphere of acceptance, respect, and open communication. Instead of pressuring your partner to change or make difficult choices, focus on understanding, compromise, and meaningful conversations. That’s what makes relationships strong and lasting.