Narcissism isn’t always loud and attention-seeking; sometimes, it’s quiet and hidden.
When we think of narcissism as an extreme form of self-protection and, ironically, an inability to truly care for oneself, it can appear in different ways. The most obvious type is known as ''grandiose narcissism'', which is characterized by impulsive behavior, constant bragging, a deep need for admiration, an obsession with success (only feeling secure when achieving or believing success is guaranteed), a lack of empathy, and a fixation on status and public image.
On the other side is ''vulnerable narcissism'', which revolves around emotional security avoiding criticism at all costs. People with this type often believe they are special because they have suffered more than others or possess a unique talent. They tend to be perfectionists, thinking that unless they are flawless, they won’t be accepted. They avoid risks, seek approval, and often act as people-pleasers. Unlike grandiose narcissists, who stand out by defying norms, vulnerable narcissists present themselves as morally superior to hide their deep feelings of shame. The more shame they carry, the more they try to appear flawless.
Vulnerable narcissists often want to be part of an exclusive group that sets them apart from society, but they don’t necessarily want to lead it. In contrast, grandiose narcissists, who care less about approval, prefer leadership positions but look down on those who follow them. While both types seek security, grandiose narcissists have a stronger belief in their ability to achieve it. Grandiose narcissism operates in a cycle of extreme optimism, where information is distorted to support their own views, whereas vulnerable narcissism involves constant self-doubt due to a strong tendency toward negative thinking.
Despite their differences, both forms of narcissism share a deep focus on themselves.
The Hidden Self-Centeredness of Vulnerable Narcissism
With vulnerable narcissism, self-absorption is more subtle. Think about a time when someone apologized to you, but instead of addressing your feelings, they shifted the conversation to their own emotions. The discussion moves away from the hurt they caused and instead focuses on the deep shame they feel. The person who was wronged might even start feeling guilty, as if they now need to comfort the one who hurt them. No matter the situation, the conversation always seems to revolve around one person.
At its core, this behavior is driven by envy.
Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists experience deep envy, often tied to feelings of shame. However, vulnerable narcissists express envy in a less obvious way. Rather than openly competing for attention, they subtly redirect focus back to themselves. They believe they deserve the attention given to others and convince themselves and those around them that they are the true victim, or at least the one who has suffered the most. Instead of using aggression, they manipulate through guilt, ultimately diminishing the other person’s experiences and feelings.
Understanding the Inner Struggles of Narcissism
Renowned psychoanalyst ''Nancy McWilliams'' explored narcissistic personalities in depth. She explained that individuals with this mindset often believe therapy exists to "fix" them rather than help them understand themselves. They are obsessed with perfection, either constantly criticizing themselves or others, depending on whether they internalize or project their own self-doubt. Their pursuit of perfection makes it difficult for them to experience joy or accept life’s uncertainties.
She wrote, '“One challenge in helping them is showing them what it feels like to be accepted without judgment, to love others without putting them on a pedestal, and to express genuine emotions without shame.”' Many narcissistic individuals struggle to believe such acceptance is possible. A therapist’s ability to accept them as they are can serve as a model for genuine emotional connection.
Some believe that love can heal self-doubt, but for it to work, the person must be able to receive love and see its worth. A narcissistic individual may need to start by questioning their fear of imperfection. They might ask themselves whether love is only reserved for those who achieve the most and whether love is even something they should seek at all.