Strong relationships thrive on respect, understanding, and effective communication. But sometimes, when emotions run high, couples can say things that damage their bond. The key difference between couples who handle conflict well and those who struggle isn't about avoiding arguments, it's about how they argue.
Couples who fear conflict often make a critical mistake: they love each other but argue like they don’t. When tensions rise, they lose sight of what truly matters their connection. Instead of facing problems together, they fall into a mindset of "me vs. you" instead of "us vs. the issue."
Poor communication during disagreements is one of the biggest reasons relationships suffer. When stress builds up, the words partners use can either bring them closer or create emotional distance. Here are two phrases that can seriously harm a relationship and why they should be avoided at all costs.
1. "This Is Just Who I Am"
When receiving feedback from a partner especially if it’s about something hurtful it’s natural to feel defensive. No one enjoys hearing that they’ve done something wrong, and being told you’ve hurt your partner can be even harder to process. However, a damaging response some people use to shut down the conversation is, "This is just who I am."
Imagine your partner tells you they feel hurt when you make sarcastic jokes about them in front of friends. Instead of considering their feelings and adjusting your behavior, you might respond with, "This is just who I am. You knew this about me when we got together." While having a sense of humor is great, this kind of reaction is harmful.
Why? Because this response completely invalidates your partner’s emotions and signals that you’re unwilling to change or compromise. Research published in the Journal of Marriage and Family highlights that strong, lasting relationships require adaptability and a commitment to working through conflicts together.
When one partner refuses to acknowledge how their behavior affects the other, frustration and emotional distance grow. One person is opening up about their feelings, while the other dismisses them entirely. Saying, "That’s just who I am" implies that behavior is fixed and unchangeable, rather than something that can be improved. It also unfairly places the burden on your partner to accept hurtful behavior without question.
On the other hand, couples with a healthy approach to conflict listen and show a willingness to improve. Instead of saying, "You signed up for this," they take a moment to reflect. Even if a joke didn’t land well, they make sure their response is considerate and constructive.
A more supportive response might be:
"I didn’t realize my jokes were upsetting you. That wasn’t my intention at all, and I’ll be more mindful moving forward."
This type of response shows emotional maturity. It acknowledges the issue, expresses care, and reassures the partner that their feelings are valid. It’s not about being perfect, it’s about being willing to learn and grow together.
2. "Do You Even Love Me?"
Even in the healthiest relationships, arguments can stir up deep emotions. When insecurities surface, it’s tempting to seek reassurance in the heat of the moment. But one of the most damaging things to say during a disagreement is, "Do you even love me?"
At first glance, this might seem like an innocent question, but it can seriously hurt a relationship. Why? Because it undermines the trust and security that couples work so hard to build.
Asking this puts your partner in a position where they must stop everything to prove their love even when the argument had nothing to do with love in the first place. Over time, repeatedly questioning your partner’s feelings can leave them emotionally drained. It makes them feel like no matter how much they show their love, it’s never enough.
More importantly, this phrase derails the actual conversation. Instead of focusing on resolving the issue, it shifts the argument into an emotionally overwhelming territory. Suddenly, the discussion is no longer about the original problem, it’s about proving love, which can lead to more frustration and misunderstanding.
In some cases, this can even be a form of emotional manipulation. Research published in Procedia: Social and Behavioral Sciences describes emotional blackmail as a tactic where someone "punishes" their partner emotionally when things don’t go their way. In this situation, asking, "Do you really love me?" forces a partner to provide emotional reassurance rather than addressing the real issue.
Healthy couples, however, don’t feel the need to question their love every time they argue. They understand that love isn’t defined by one disagreement. Instead of guilt-tripping, they express their insecurities in a way that strengthens their bond.
Rather than saying, "Do you even love me?" a healthier approach would be:
"I’m feeling really disconnected right now, and I could use some reassurance."
This keeps the conversation open without pressuring the partner to prove their love in the middle of a disagreement. In strong relationships, both partners create a safe space where emotions can be shared freely without making love feel like it’s constantly being tested.
Final Thoughts
Words carry weight, especially in relationships. The way partners communicate during tough moments can either strengthen their bond or create lasting damage. Saying, "This is just who I am" dismisses the possibility of growth, while "Do you even love me?" adds unnecessary stress to the relationship.
Healthy couples focus on constructive communication. They listen, reflect, and respond with care. They don’t avoid conflict, but they handle it in a way that reinforces their love and trust. After all, love isn’t just about feelings, it’s about the daily choices we make to show up for each other, even in the hardest moments.