Waiting can be tough for many kids but with practice, it can become easier.
My 45th birthday is coming up next month. These days, birthdays don’t excite me as much as they used to they just remind me that I’m getting older. But that wasn’t always the case.
As a child, I would start counting down to my March birthday as soon as February began. We used to celebrate at the local roller rink, and what I looked forward to the most, of course, were the presents. What kid doesn’t love seeing a stack of gifts in the corner of the room, waiting to be opened at the end of the party?
Christmas was just as exciting for similar reasons. One Christmas Eve, I even stayed up all night, eager to see the presents under the tree. My poor parents!
Now, as a mother of two, I love watching my kids look forward to big events in their lives. But what I don’t love is their constant struggle with waiting.
They can’t control when holidays like Christmas or birthdays happen, but when it comes to waiting for dinner, a trip to their favorite bookstore, or even a few minutes while I find their favorite shirt, there’s a lot of whining and complaining. Waiting in line for ice cream or taking turns in a game is even harder and often leads to tears.
Sometimes, it’s enough to make me want to skip all the fun and just stay home. So how can we help kids become more patient and learn to wait for the things they want?
The Science Behind Kids and Waiting
It turns out my kids aren’t the only ones who struggle with waiting. In a well-known psychology experiment called the marshmallow test, researchers studied how well children could delay gratification. Each child was given a marshmallow and told that if they could wait until the researcher returned, they would get a second marshmallow.
If they couldn’t wait, they could ring a bell to call the researcher back, but they would only get to eat the one marshmallow. If you’ve been around young children, you can probably guess how this went most preschoolers rang the bell early, unable to hold out for the bigger reward (Mischel & Ebbesen, 1970).
This confirms what many parents already know: kids find it hard to wait for something exciting. But interestingly, research suggests that this isn’t the case for children everywhere.
How Culture Shapes Patience
In one study, researchers compared German children who share similar cultural traits with American kids to children from the Nso, an Indigenous community in Northwestern Cameroon. Just like the American children in the original study, the German kids struggled to wait for the second marshmallow and had to use distraction techniques, like fidgeting, talking to themselves, or looking away.
In contrast, the Nso children found waiting much easier. More than 70% of them successfully held out for the second marshmallow some even fell asleep while waiting!
Researchers believe this is because the Nso culture teaches children to manage their emotions from an early age, making patience a natural skill for them (Lamm et al., 2018). This suggests that kids can be taught to be more patient, given the right environment and upbringing.
When Waiting Depends on the Situation
Recent research also shows that patience isn’t just about age or personality it depends on the situation. In a study comparing preschoolers from Japan and the U.S., kids were given the classic marshmallow test as well as a second task where they had to wait before opening a wrapped gift.
As expected, the U.S. kids struggled with the marshmallow test, while the Japanese kids waited patiently, similar to the Nso children. But when it came to the wrapped gift, the results flipped Japanese kids had trouble waiting, while the American kids had no problem at all (Yanaoka et al., 2022).
Why the difference? Cultural expectations play a big role. In Japan, children are often taught to wait before eating like in school cafeterias, where they must wait until everyone has been served. This makes waiting for food a familiar challenge.
On the other hand, American children are used to waiting to open gifts whether it’s waiting until Christmas morning to open presents under the tree or waiting until the end of a birthday party to unwrap gifts on display. In Japan, however, gifts are often given sporadically throughout the year, meaning kids aren’t as accustomed to waiting for them.
Teaching Kids to Be More Patient
The takeaway? Kids struggle with waiting only in situations where they haven’t had much practice. When they’re used to waiting whether for Christmas morning or for the end of a party they can handle it just fine.
If you want to help your kids become more patient, make waiting a regular part of their routine. It may be challenging at first, but like any skill, they’ll get better with time even if you have to wait a little while for it to happen.