The term "Gentle Parenting" was introduced by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a British author who has written multiple books on the subject. She emphasizes the importance of empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries in parenting. Through this approach, she shares some of the best practices for raising children.
However, you might be surprised to learn that Ockwell-Smith does not have any formal qualifications to call herself a parenting expert. She holds a degree in psychology and is a mother, but beyond that, she lacks academic credentials in child development. Her ideas are based on her own observations and opinions rather than scientific research similar to previous parenting advocates like William Sears.
In other words, Gentle Parenting lacks substantial scientific data to support its claims. Research on this approach is only just beginning. So, how can parents determine if this method actually helps raise happier children?
No Clear Proof of Effectiveness
The truth is, they can’t at least not yet. Despite the lack of conclusive evidence, many parents have fully embraced Gentle Parenting and strongly believe it is the "right" way to raise children.
However, it’s important to remember that throughout history, parenting styles have constantly evolved. What was once considered the ideal way to raise kids often falls out of favor over time.
Over the past 75 years, parenting has gradually shifted toward a more child-centered approach. Since Dr. Benjamin Spock published his first parenting book in 1946, parents have been encouraged to focus more on their children's emotions and needs. Gentle Parenting takes this trend to the extreme, making children the primary focus of their parents' attention and actions.
But is it truly beneficial for children to be at the center of everything their parents do?
What the Research Says About Gentle Parenting
Although research on Gentle Parenting is limited, one of the first studies on the subject was conducted by professors Annie Pezalla and Alice Davidson. They collected data from 100 self-identified "Gentle Parents," and their findings were eye-opening.
They discovered that this parenting style is incredibly difficult for parents to maintain. According to their study:
"Parenting young children has always been challenging, but evidence suggests it may be becoming even harder. The pressure to meet high parenting standards, combined with information overload on social media about the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ ways to raise kids, has left many parents second-guessing their interactions with their children and feeling emotionally drained."
Additionally, many Gentle Parents were found to be too hard on themselves. More than one-third of them were highly self-critical and felt like they were failing as parents. The researchers concluded:
"Gentle Parenting seems to be an approach that is extremely kind to children but may not be as kind to parents."
Does Staying Calm at All Times Help Children?
It’s also unclear whether always remaining calm in response to misbehavior is actually beneficial for children.
While explosive anger from parents is obviously not helpful, there is a natural feedback system in parent-child interactions that has existed for centuries. When a child does something unsafe or disruptive, parents typically react instinctively with a stern voice, a warning, or sometimes a consequence. This reaction helps children understand that they have crossed a boundary.
Studies show that children learn through cause-and-effect interactions. In a parenting style known as Authoritative Parenting, parents set clear expectations, acknowledge their children's feelings, and apply gentle discipline when needed. Research has consistently shown that this is the most effective parenting style producing the happiest, most well-adjusted children.
Gentle Parenting shares some similarities with Authoritative Parenting. It encourages clear boundaries and emphasizes emotional support.
One aspect where Gentle Parenting is beneficial is its encouragement for parents to stay calm when children express intense emotions. Studies show that when a parent remains emotionally regulated, it helps young children learn how to manage their own feelings. Psychologist Wilfred Bion explained that a mother’s ability to soothe and contain her baby’s distress plays a crucial role in a child’s emotional development.
However, staying calm during every single instance of a child’s frustration or defiance is not the same as tolerating all misbehavior without consequences.
The Downsides of Gentle Parenting
The biggest issue with Gentle Parenting is that it demands too much from parents while expecting too little from children.
In today’s world, most parents juggle work, financial responsibilities, and household duties. Expecting them to always stay calm, be endlessly empathetic, and avoid giving consequences for misbehavior places an unrealistic burden on them.
Parents need a sense of authority at home. Sometimes, they simply need their child to listen and follow instructions. When a child refuses to cooperate, it’s normal for parents to feel frustrated and express that frustration.
Children also need to understand that not all behaviors are acceptable and that actions have consequences. As they grow older, they will encounter situations where their actions impact their school life, friendships, careers, and relationships. In the real world, not everyone will be empathetic or understanding, and not all behaviors will be tolerated.
In fact, research suggests that children feel more secure when they know what is expected of them. They also experience less guilt when they understand that their actions lead to appropriate consequences.
Final Thoughts
One of the main criticisms of Gentle Parenting is that it gained popularity through social media, rather than being introduced or backed by child development experts.
The researchers behind one of the first studies on Gentle Parenting emphasized the need for more evidence-based guidance for parents. They posed two critical questions:
1. Is Gentle Parenting a practical approach for parents?
2. Does it truly benefit children in the long run?
Until more research is conducted, the answers remain uncertain. While Gentle Parenting promotes empathy and emotional intelligence, it may not provide enough structure for children and lmay place too much pressure on parent. A balanced approach one that incorporates clear expectations, emotional support, and appropriate discipline may be the most effective way to raise happy, well-adjusted children.