Parents of struggling adult children often feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility. Many believe they must step in whether it's providing financial support, constantly solving problems, or offering emotional rescue. But here’s the truth: Helping your adult child isn’t your duty; it’s your choice.
As highlighted in a book '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child', parents often find themselves feeling trapped, drained, and resentful when they act out of guilt, fear, or obligation. However, when support is given as a choice with clear boundaries, it benefits both the parent and the child.
As a parenting coach, I’ve seen firsthand that the more an adult child does for themselves, the more confident they become. Let’s look at two key examples that demonstrate the importance of setting boundaries.
Example 1: The Never-Ending Financial Requests
For years, Renee, 58, has been financially supporting her 27-year-old son, Damian. Every time he falls short on rent, loses a job, or overspends, he turns to her. If she hesitates, he pressures her: “You’re my mom, you have to help me!”
For a long time, Renee felt she had no choice but to give in. But after depleting her savings, she realized she needed to change her mindset. The next time Damian asked for money, she took a deep breath and said, “Damian, I care about you, but it's not my job to cover your bills.” If I choose to help, it’s my decision. This time, I’m letting you figure it out.”
At first, Damian was furious. But eventually, he found a way to manage his expenses because he had to. And with that, his confidence in his own abilities grew.
Example 2: The Emotional Manipulation
Geoff, 62, has a 30-year-old daughter, Talia, who constantly pulls him into her personal struggles. Whether it's relationship drama or work issues, she expects him to drop everything to listen and fix her problems. If he doesn’t, she snaps, “So you don’t care about me?”
Geoff used to feel like he had to take on all her stress. But now, he responds differently: “Talia, I love you, but managing your emotions isn’t my responsibility. I’ll always be here to support you, but it’s my choice how and when I do that.”
At first, she accused him of abandoning her. But over time, she learned to handle more on her own. And with that independence came a greater sense of self-worth.
The Exception: When Serious Mental Health Issues Are Involved
There is one important exception: If your adult child has a significant mental health condition that truly prevents them from functioning, they may require additional support. However, even in these situations, setting boundaries and encouraging them to take responsibility for their well-being as much as possible is still essential. Professional help, community resources, and structured plans can make a huge difference without making the parent the sole source of support.
Tips for Parents
- Shift Your Mindset. Remind yourself: Helping isn’t my duty; it’s my choice.
- Encourage Independence. The more your child does for themselves, the more capable they will feel.
- Expect Resistance. Your child may push back at first, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
- Provide Guidance, Not Rescue. Instead of fixing things, direct them to resources like job support, therapy, or financial education.
- Prioritize Your Well-Being. You matter too. Protect your time, energy, and financial health.
When parents step back, adult children get the opportunity to step up. And when they do, they often discover a sense of competence and confidence they never knew they had.