There’s a common belief many of us carry, especially parents: 'People are my purpose.' I often hear this when discussing personal fulfillment, the pursuit of what excites and energizes us. Parents, in particular, frequently say, 'I live for my children.'
On the surface, this sounds admirable and selfless. But in reality, making other people especially your children the center of your purpose can leave you feeling lost and set an unrealistic example for the very people you love.
Let’s explore why this mindset is problematic, starting with the root of the issue: the myth of parenting as the ultimate source of happiness.
The Myth of Parenting as the Key to Happiness
The idea that raising children automatically leads to lifelong happiness and fulfillment is deeply embedded in our culture. It suggests that being a parent will naturally bring joy and meaning to life.
However, the reality is different. Parenting is challenging. It comes with stress, sleepless nights, sacrifices, and uncertainty. Over time, many have come to believe that 'because parenting is hard, it must also be the key to happiness and purpose.'
This belief can trap parents into over-identifying with their role, leaving little room for their own personal growth, passions, or sense of purpose. And when this happens, it creates two major problems.
Two Problems with Making People Your Only Purpose
1. It’s Not a Lasting Source of Fulfillment
When you make your children your sole purpose, your happiness becomes tied to their presence in your life. But here’s the reality: 'Children grow up.' They move out, start careers, build relationships, and create families of their own.
When that happens, parents who centered their entire sense of purpose around their kids often feel lost. This “empty nest” phase can begin in your 40s or 50s, leaving decades of life ahead without a clear direction.
2. It Creates an Unhealthy Model for Future Generations
Children learn how to live by observing their parents. If they see you making them your only purpose, they may grow up believing their main role in life is to dedicate themselves entirely to others likely their own children.
But what happens if life doesn’t go as planned? What if they can’t have children, choose not to, or face circumstances that prevent them from building a traditional family? When purpose is solely tied to relationships, it can leave them feeling directionless.
Instead of passing down patterns of emotional dependency, we should aim for 'generational growth.' This means demonstrating a life of personal fulfillment, where we actively pursue what excites and inspires us. By doing so, we empower our children to build lives centered around their own interests and passions not just their obligations.
Leading by Example: Finding Personal Purpose
It’s natural to feel a deep sense of connection and meaning in your relationships whether with your children, spouse, or friends. These connections matter deeply. But they shouldn’t be your 'entire' purpose.
Instead, focus on 'personal purpose' activities and pursuits that inspire and fulfill you. Here’s why this matters:
- It makes you a better role model. When you invest in what brings you joy, you show up as a happier, more engaged parent, partner, and friend.
- It gives your children permission to do the same. By leading a life filled with purpose beyond relationships, you show your kids that they, too, can build fulfilling lives based on their interests.
- It provides lasting fulfillment. Unlike roles tied to people, personal purpose evolves with you, offering a steady source of meaning throughout your life.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve made other people your only purpose, it’s time to shift your mindset not to diminish the importance of your loved ones, but to enhance it. When you lead a life fueled by personal passion and purpose, you create a ripple effect that benefits everyone around you.
Follow your interests. Invest in activities that energize you. Set an example of lifelong growth. In doing so, you’ll give your children the greatest gift of all—the freedom to pursue their own purpose, create their own happiness, and pass that joy down to future generations.