Over the past decade, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) has transitioned from being a relatively obscure psychological diagnosis to a widely discussed topic. As a result, many people now have a basic understanding of the term "narcissist" and the key traits associated with excessive self-absorption.
In this article, we’ll explore narcissistic tendencies and the ongoing pursuit of external validation as an exaggerated extension of childhood needs. However, in the case of narcissists, this need persists into adulthood instead of naturally fading over time.
Note: In this article, the terms narcissist, self-centered, and NPD refer to individuals who meet the full diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Children Are Born Dependent and Vulnerable
All humans are born completely dependent on caregivers for survival. We rely on them for food, comfort, safety, and emotional support. Without care from others, we wouldn’t survive.
As we grow through childhood and adolescence, we gradually learn to take over the responsibilities that caregivers once handled for us. Ideally, we become self-sufficient—dressing ourselves, understanding time, reading, differentiating between right and wrong, making friends, and managing emotions. A crucial part of this development is learning to soothe ourselves based on past experiences of being comforted.
How Do We Develop Our Sense of Identity?
Two key psychological theories help explain how people form their self-concept and why narcissists may struggle with an unstable sense of self.
Charles Horton Cooley and the Idea of the "Looking-Glass Self"
Charles Horton Cooley (1864–1929), a sociologist, introduced the concept of the 'Looking-Glass Self.' He suggested that we develop our self-image by interpreting how others perceive us.
Essentially, when we are young and lack experience, we tend to internalize external feedback as absolute truth. The issue with this is that many of us grew up with distorted “mirrors.” The people we relied on parents, family, and society may have been too biased to see us accurately. This can lead to an unrealistic self-image.
The consequences of this include:
- Low self-esteem based on flawed feedback that prevents us from seeing ourselves clearly.
- Inaccurate self-assessment, which may hinder personal growth and direction in life.
Heinz Kohut and the Role of "Self-Objects"
Heinz Kohut (1913–1981), an Austrian American psychoanalyst, introduced the term 'self-object' to describe how individuals use others to fulfill emotional and psychological needs that they struggle to meet on their own.
For example, children rely on their parents as self-objects. From birth, they depend on their caregivers to interpret the world for them and provide protection. Even as they grow more independent, many still seek comfort, validation, and reassurance from their parents.
Do We Ever Stop Needing External Validation?
Kohut believed that while our reliance on self-objects never completely disappears, it typically evolves as we mature. Most people still appreciate an occasional hug, words of encouragement, or reassurance. However, emotionally healthy adults do not 'require' constant validation to function.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
One of the defining traits of narcissistic personality disorder is a persistent need for external validation. Despite their achievements or status, narcissists rely heavily on others to affirm their self-worth.
A narcissist can be a CEO, a celebrity, or someone widely recognized for their talents and still struggle with self-soothing, professional confidence, or emotional regulation without external praise.
In psychological terms, narcissists continue to depend on a 'Looking-Glass Self.' Or, in Kohut’s terms, they require others to act as self-objects in order to function.
What Is Narcissistic Supply?
Narcissistic supply refers to the people or sources that narcissists use to maintain their self-esteem through constant admiration, approval, or recognition.
What Does This Mean for You?
If you are in a relationship with someone who has NPD, they will try to use you as a source of validation. James F. Masterson (1926–2010), a leading expert on personality disorders, identified three subtypes of narcissists. Each type seeks validation in different ways:
The Three Subtypes of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
1. Grandiose Narcissist (Overt):
- Gains validation by being the center of attention.
- Feels important when treated as special or high-status.
- Enjoys giving advice because it reinforces their belief that they are superior.
- They look down on people they see as less important.
2. Vulnerable Narcissist (Covert):
- Seeks approval more subtly than grandiose narcissists.
- Fears being exposed as a fraud, so they avoid openly boasting.
- Gains validation by aligning with prestigious people, ideologies, or objects (e.g., luxury brands, exclusive clubs, religious groups, or intellectual pursuits).
Both grandiose and vulnerable narcissists need their sources of validation to agree with them. If you disagree with their opinions about their lifestyle, beliefs, or expertise, they may interpret it as a personal attack and respond negatively.
3. Malignant Narcissist (Hostile or Manipulative):
- Gains validation by controlling or harming others.
- Feels powerful when they can undermine someone else's self-esteem.
- If you are in a relationship with them, they may intentionally hurt you to feel superior.
Final Thoughts
Everyone seeks validation from others occasionally whether it’s reassurance about an outfit, recognition for achievements, or emotional support. However, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder take this to an extreme. They are heavily dependent on external sources to feel worthy.
If you recognize these patterns in yourself or someone close to you, it’s important to know that trained therapists specialize in treating narcissistic personality disorder. Seeking professional help can offer valuable guidance and support.