Jodi and Marshall are the parents of Oliver, a highly sensitive child who often feels unsure of himself. He avoids activities that require him to perform in front of others, such as gym class, music, or presenting a book report to his class.
When I first met Jodi and Marshall, they were doing a lot to accommodate Oliver’s discomfort. If he refused to attend a birthday party or soccer practice alone even though they knew their presence might prevent him from fully engaging in these important social experiences they stayed with him.
The school was also adjusting to Oliver’s struggles. He was the only student who didn’t have to present a book report to the class. When he refused to switch classrooms for different subjects, an assistant brought his work to him, allowing him to complete assignments while staying in the reading lab.
When Oliver didn’t want to participate in gym or music, he was allowed to sit in the front office and read a favorite activity of his.
Addressing the Challenges at School
The first step was to hold a team meeting that included me, Jodi, Marshall, and Oliver’s teachers. Together, we developed a plan to help Oliver see himself as a capable, confident student who could overcome challenges. This approach focused on setting clear expectations while providing strong support.
The Plan
1. Encouraging Responsibility
If Oliver refused to go to his assigned class, teachers would no longer bring his work to him this would only reinforce avoidance. In real life, people can’t always avoid uncomfortable situations, and this approach would better prepare Oliver for the future. It also sent a clear message: his teachers believed he could handle the challenge.
- Instead, he would be given two clear choices:
- Attend the correct class and complete his work as expected.
- Stay where he was but make up the missed work later either during after-care before playtime or at home instead of screen time.
2. No More Opting Out of Special Classes
Gym, music, and other special classes would no longer be optional. Staff wouldn’t try to persuade or convince Oliver to participate. Instead, they would explain that attending these classes was a school rule. However, he could choose how he wanted to take part.
For example:
In gym class, he could either join the activities or act as a reporter. His parents would get him a notebook to take notes on what happened in class, which he would later share with the teacher.
In music, he could either play an instrument or observe and take notes.
The key was making sure he was physically present. If he continued to avoid the class by reading in the office, he wouldn’t have the opportunity to gradually get used to the situation.
3. Providing Choices for Public Speaking Assignments
When faced with performance-based tasks, Oliver would be given options:
- If the assignment was to present a book report, he would be reminded that all students share their thoughts on books that’s the rule. However, he could choose to present in front of the class or record a video at home with the help of his teacher or parents, which would then be played for the class.
- For the music recital, Oliver was originally assigned the xylophone, which made him anxious. Instead of skipping the event, he was allowed to choose a different instrument and decide where he wanted to stand during the performance. He chose the triangle and positioned himself at the edge of the group.
4. Helping Oliver Prepare in Advance
Teachers would email his parents about upcoming activities so they could help him feel more comfortable. This kind of preparation was a great example of strong support.
Since some of Oliver’s reluctance seemed to stem from fear of failure, his parents would also give him extra practice at home. For instance, since gym class frequently included floor hockey, they bought him equipment to practice at home.
The Results
One week after the school and family implemented the plan, the teachers shared an update:
"Using the two-choice method is working. Oliver has started participating in gym and music, as well as other daily activities."
However, after a long winter break, Oliver struggled with the transition back to school. His teachers sent an email on January 2:
"Oliver had a hard time returning to school today. He resisted going into the classroom, refused to switch classes, and didn’t complete his assignments. Instead, he spent the morning reading a book. (This isn’t surprising long breaks can be tough for highly sensitive children.) We reminded him that his work was a must-do and that he could choose to complete it either during after-care or at home. He agreed to do it at home. The work includes a journal entry, math, and language assignments. We reviewed everything with him, and it’s in his backpack."
Jodi responded that she would follow through at home, ensuring Oliver finished his work before getting screen time. The next day, she and Marshall received another update from the school:
"Thank you for your support at home. Oliver immediately turned in his completed work to his teachers. We thanked him for following through, and so far, he’s having a great start to the day!"
The Key to Success
I’ve shared this story in detail because it’s a great example of how to support kids in a way that is loving, structured, and effective. Instead of focusing on trying to 'make' a child cooperate or take risks things that can’t be forced، the key is implementing a plan that encourages growth rather than avoidance.
Without clear expectations, there’s no progress. Every challenge Oliver overcame was possible because of a boundary his parents or teachers set:
- Attending birthday parties and soccer alone.
- Making up missed work at home.
- Making special classes a requirement while still giving him choices in how he participated.
In short, high expectations combined with strong support created the perfect balance for Oliver’s success.