What your child may not be saying out loud while they're hurting and how you can offer meaningful help.
Support without taking over.
It's common for struggling adult children to express their needs in ways that might go unnoticed or misunderstood. While they may not openly say, "I need help," their words often carry hidden messages. As a parent coach, I've observed how identifying these unspoken "help me" phrases can empower parents to step in effectively without fostering unhealthy patterns.
Here are four common phrases used by struggling adult children, what they often signify, and how you can respond with understanding and clarity.
1. "I'm just so tired of everything."
This phrase might sound like venting or exaggeration, but it often signals burnout, depression, or overwhelming stress. When 29-year-old Trevor said this to his mother, he was juggling two jobs and barely making ends meet. Initially, his mom brushed it off as typical adult complaining, but further conversation revealed he was drowning under financial pressure.
What You Can Do:
- Respond with curiosity, not solutions: Try saying, "That sounds tough. What's been weighing on you the most?"
- Offer support without taking over: Instead of jumping in to fix things, suggest brainstorming solutions together.
2. "You don’t understand what it’s like for me."
This statement often comes from frustration and can feel hurtful to parents who believe they're doing their best to help. When 24-year-old Eliza said this to her dad, she was struggling with post-college uncertainty and felt judged for not meeting expectations.
What You Can Do:
- Avoid becoming defensive: Instead of replying with, "Of course, I understand I’ve been there," say, "You’re right, I may not fully get it. Can you help me see it from your perspective?"
- Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their struggles without making the conversation about your own experiences.
3. "I just need some space."
When adult children ask for space, it’s often misinterpreted as rejection. For 26-year-old Jordan, saying this to his mom was his way of asking for respect as he worked through his next steps after a breakup.
What You Can Do:
- Respect their boundaries while staying connected: Say, "I understand. I’m here whenever you’re ready to talk."
- Check in occasionally without pressure: Show you care without intruding on their need for independence.
4. "I don’t want to bother you with my problems."
This phrase often hides deeper feelings of shame or fear of disappointment. When 31 year old Sabrina said this to her parents, she was quietly battling anxiety after losing her job but didn’t want to feel like a burden.
What You Can Do:
- Reassure them of your unconditional support: Say, '"You’re never a bother to me. I want to be here for you."'
- Help them see vulnerability as a strength, not a weakness: Gently encourage them to open up without pushing too hard.
Conclusion:
Understanding the hidden cries for help in your adult child’s words takes patience, empathy, and active listening. By being attentive and responding thoughtfully, you can provide the support they need to navigate their challenges while respecting their independence. This approach not only helps them grow but also strengthens the bond between you and your child in this new phase of life.