As parents grow older, they often start relying on us more. Tasks like managing household chores, driving, or preparing meals may become harder for them as their physical capabilities decline. Understandably, this can bring up emotions for both them and us. Witnessing their health deteriorate is challenging, and for many, it’s even harder to see this happening to someone you deeply care about.
If your parent once placed you in a parentified role during childhood, these emotions can become even more complex. On one hand, you may feel empathy for their struggles. On the other, you could feel emotionally drained after years of being their emotional caregiver, leaving part of you reluctant to continue. How can you navigate your relationship with an aging parent who once parentified you while safeguarding your mental well-being?
The Challenges of Caregiving
Aging often mirrors a second childhood, complete with some of the same vulnerabilities we faced as kids. Adding to this, many societies lack comprehensive safety nets for children and the elderly, meaning much of the caregiving burden falls on families. Statistically, women are the primary caregivers for aging relatives, making up as much as 81% of informal caregivers worldwide.
Unfortunately, caregiving relationships are not always healthy. For example, adults who experienced abuse as children may not sever ties with their parents but instead continue to maintain those connections, even taking on caregiving duties as their parents age. Research shows that these caregivers face worse mental health outcomes, including higher rates of depression and lower self-esteem compared to those who didn’t experience childhood abuse.
If you’re thinking, '“Well, my parent wasn’t that bad,”' remember that parentification forcing a child to take on adult responsibilities is considered a form of childhood emotional abuse. It often has lasting effects on a person’s emotional and mental health.
Tips for Setting Boundaries and Maintaining Balance
If you’re in a caregiving role with a parent who once parentified you, consider these strategies to maintain your peace and well-being:
1. “No” Is a Complete Sentence
As an adult, you have the right to set limits and refuse tasks that make you uncomfortable or overburdened. This may seem obvious, but many people, especially those with a history of parentification, struggle with saying no to their parents. If you find yourself falling back into old patterns, remind yourself that you are now in control. Practice firm language, such as, '“I won’t continue helping if you treat me this way.”'
2. Self-Care Is a Necessity, Not a Luxury
Listening to your body and mind when they signal the need to rest or take a break is essential. Taking time for yourself doesn’t make you selfish, it’s vital for maintaining a healthy relationship with your parent. Clearly communicate your boundaries by saying something like, '“I’ll be unavailable tomorrow but will check in the following day if needed.”'
3. Adopt an Observational Approach
Engage with your parent without feeling the need to solve their problems. By taking a step back emotionally, you can respond with neutral phrases like, *“That sounds tough,”* or *“What do you think you could do about that?”* rather than rushing to fix everything. This detached perspective can be especially helpful when dealing with a parent who seeks constant emotional support, which can be even more exhausting than meeting their physical needs.
If caregiving becomes too overwhelming, know that it’s okay to step back and seek support. Many local organizations, including hospitals and community centers, offer caregiver support groups. You don't need to go through this journey by yourself.