As a child psychologist, I’ve witnessed the incredible impact of self-confidence on young lives. Children who in themselves approach challenges with resilience, while those struggling with self-doubt often retreat. Building self-esteem, however, goes beyond superficial praise or participation trophies it’s about deeply understanding and valuing who your child truly is.
Throughout my career, I’ve found that understanding our children is just as important as loving them. Children thrive when they feel supported, validated, and understood. No adult ever looks back wishing their parents had been less empathetic. Empathy isn’t just a nice gesture, it’s a cornerstone of how children perceive themselves and their potential.
Here are four strategies to help your child build strong self-esteem, regardless of their age or challenges.
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings (Even the Tough Ones)
Children who feel their emotions are valued learn to embrace rather than suppress them. Acknowledging their feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with everything they say; it’s about recognizing their experiences as valid and important.
Example:
Seven-year-old Brooke struggled with anxiety about school. “I’m so dumb!” She broke down in tears after a hard day in math class. Her mom, Jessica, instinctively wanted to fix things and responded, “Don’t say that; you’re smart!” But Brooke felt dismissed.
Instead, Jessica tried a different approach: “I can understand why you feel that way. Math was tough today, wasn’t it? It’s okay to feel frustrated. Let’s figure it out together.”
The result? Brooke felt heard, and Jessica’s calm approach gave her the confidence to tackle her struggles. Validating feelings teaches children that emotions aren’t scary or shameful—they’re manageable.
2. Guide Them Through Social Challenges
Peers play a significant role in shaping self-esteem, especially during the tween and teen years. Negative experiences like bullying or exclusion can deeply impact their confidence. Parents can help by guiding not controlling how their child navigates these situations.
Example:
Fourteen-year-old Ethan came home upset after a group of friends excluded him. “Why do they hate me?” he asked his dad, Rob. Instead of rushing to solve the problem or dismissing Ethan’s concerns, Rob said, “That sounds really tough. Let’s talk about what happened.”
Together, they role-played possible responses Ethan could use and brainstormed ways to strengthen other friendships. Feeling supported, Ethan was empowered to take small steps to rebuild his social confidence.
3. Challenge Negative Self-Talk
Children often internalize harsh messages from their environment whether about their intelligence, appearance, or worth. As a parent, it’s your job to gently challenge these thoughts with empathy and reassurance.
Example:
Seventeen-year-old Maya, an ambitious and hardworking student, told her mom, Carla, “No matter how much effort I put in, I’ll never be good enough.” Instead of dismissing Maya’s harsh words about herself, Carla responded, “I can see why you feel that way, but I see someone who works incredibly hard and gives her best. Let’s talk about why you’re feeling like this.”
By addressing Maya’s feelings and reminding her of her strengths, Carla helped her daughter view herself through a more compassionate lens. Teaching children to reframe negative self-talk is a powerful way to boost their confidence.
4. Help Them Discover and Celebrate Their Strengths
Self-esteem grows when children feel capable and appreciated for who they are—not just for what they achieve. This involves recognizing their unique strengths and giving them opportunities to develop new skills.
Example:
Nineteen-year-old Liam struggled academically and often felt overshadowed by his younger, straight-A sister. Dave and Sarah, his parents, supported his passion for cooking by signing him up for a cooking class. Seeing his talent recognized by others gave Liam a renewed sense of pride and purpose.
By focusing on Liam’s strengths, Dave and Sarah showed him that he didn’t need to excel in traditional ways to feel valued and confident.
Bringing It All Together
Building self-esteem is a lifelong journey. It’s about teaching your children whether they’re 7 or 19 that they are valued for who they are, not just for what they accomplish.
It's about supporting kids through life's challenges, like school stress, peer problems, and negative self-talk. When parents listen, guide, and celebrate their children, they build lasting confidence that helps them thrive as adults.
Understanding your child, especially during their toughest moments, shows them they are worthy of love and respect. Remember, empathy is the bridge that connects us to our children and allows their confidence to flourish.
No adult looks back and says, “I wish my parents had validated me less.” Instead, they remember that you were there always ready to listen and support them.