Apologizing doesn’t diminish your worth when it comes from a place of generosity rather than shame.
Many teenagers in therapy have shared this sentiment with me: “My dad never apologizes for anything. He thinks he’s always right.”
They provide examples that leave me puzzled because the parents seem more unreasonable in their refusal to admit fault than they would have been by simply saying they were wrong.
It’s worth noting that no one looks ridiculous for being wrong. Why would anyone expect themselves to have perfect recall of all information they’ve ever encountered? For instance:
“Your seventh-grade math teacher’s name was Ms. Blunt. I remember!”
“Mom, it was Ms. Blayne. It says so here…”
“Oh, well, I’m sure you had a teacher named Ms. Blunt in middle school at some point,” instead of simply saying, “Oh my gosh, you’re right!”
To complicate things further, there’s the matter of perception. Just because a memory is stored doesn’t mean it’s stored accurately. Each of us filters experiences through our own biases, which can make us recall events as better, worse, or just different than they actually were. What I perceive as XYZ may look entirely like XZY to you.
Why Don’t Parents Apologize?
Adults often come up with various reasons for avoiding apologies. However, few openly admit what I believe is the real issue: apologizing is often seen as a form of submission. While I don’t view it that way, many people including dictionaries like Merriam Webster define it as an acknowledgment of another person’s authority or superiority.
For parents with authoritarian tendencies or those who feel deep shame about being wrong, apologizing can feel like surrender. If they fear their child might exploit this perceived weakness, saying sorry may seem impossible.
Rethinking How We Teach Apologies
In many households, the approach to teaching kids about apologies is flawed. The classic directive, “Go apologize to your sibling right now!” sets a poor precedent. Forced apologies strip away the element of choice, which is crucial for genuine accountability and remorse.
When children are allowed to choose to apologize, their words can convey true responsibility and sincerity.
Apologies as Acts of Generosity
When apologies are reframed as acts of kindness rather than admissions of defeat, they take on a different meaning. People often associate apologizing with losing pride or conceding who was right and who was wrong, which feels unpleasant.
But if you can step away from that mindset and see apologies as gifts expressions that make others feel better without taking anything away from you the experience becomes much more positive.
True apologies come from a place of confidence and abundance: “I feel secure in who I am, and I hold myself accountable for the impact my actions have on others. Extending this act of respect costs me nothing.” Such apologies uplift both the giver and the receiver, rather than diminishing anyone.
The Beauty of Parental Apologies
Children deeply value their parents’ apologies not because it makes them feel like they’ve “won” but because it’s often one of the few genuine expressions of respect and grace within a family. These moments transcend hierarchy, age, or authority, proving that even parents hold themselves accountable for their actions.
Apologies are universal acknowledgments of imperfection, and no one is above making them.
Modeling a New Perspective
How can we teach this new way of thinking about apologies? By living it, demonstrating it, and discussing it in every context possible with our children, our own parents, friends, colleagues, mechanics, and even customer service representatives.
When we respond to our mistakes with sincere regret, we create a new social dynamic one where personal integrity and respect outweigh pride and stubbornness.
However, modeling this behavior starts with believing in its value a challenging feat in a society that glorifies being bigger, faster, stronger, and more dominant. These traits often clash with the humility and grace required to offer a heartfelt apology.
The Small Acts That Change the World
Mahatma Gandhi famously said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” While this advice may seem abstract, it’s surprisingly actionable in everyday life. Opportunities to embody this principle often come in small moments like offering a sincere apology.
In these instances, small actions can make a significant impact, fostering respect, connection, and a better understanding within families and beyond.