As a relationship expert, I often meet individuals like Sara, Chris, and Jenna who struggle to leave partners who repeatedly hurt, ignore, or disrespect them. While it’s easy to say, “If they treat you badly, just leave,” the reality of love and emotional attachment is far more complex. Here are three key reasons you might find yourself going back to a partner who mistreats you and practical steps to regain control of your heart and your future.
1. The Dopamine Trap: Hooked on the Highs of Unpredictable Love
Sara met Dan on a dating app, and while the highs of their relationship were thrilling, the lows were devastating. Dan would avoid her for days, then come back with kind words and promises to win her over. This cycle left Sara feeling anxious yet deeply attuned to the rare moments when he paid attention to her. When Dan finally replied to her messages or showed up for a date, it felt like a major reward, keeping Sara hooked despite her better judgment.
This isn’t a coincidence. Unpredictable affection, like what Sara experienced, triggers a cycle in the brain where dopamine, the “feel-good” chemical, is released in response to inconsistent rewards. Similar to gambling or other addictive behaviors, the brain becomes wired to crave those rare highs, even when they come at a great emotional cost. The promise of love, even when inconsistent, can keep someone trapped in a pattern of attachment and misplaced hope.
What You Can Do: To break free from this dopamine driven attachment, focus on building a support system outside the relationship. Plan time with friends and family or engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Gradually train your brain to find satisfaction in stable and healthy connections, rather than the erratic highs of an unhealthy relationship.
2. Low Self Worth: Believing You Don’t Deserve Better
Chris often felt unappreciated in his relationship with Emma. When Emma dismissed his feelings or criticized him, he assumed he deserved it. Deep down, Chris struggled with low self-esteem, believing he wasn’t worthy of a partner who would treat him well. His dating history was filled with emotionally distant or critical partners, reflecting his deeply ingrained belief that he should settle for less than he deserved.
As I explain in my book Why Can’t You Read My Mind?, low self worth plays a major role in staying with a partner who mistreats you. When you don’t feel valuable or deserving, you unconsciously seek relationships that mirror these feelings. You may even convince yourself that finding a kinder partner is unrealistic or that love always involves pain and compromise.
What You Can Do: Start building self worth by listing your strengths, achievements, and positive qualities. Acknowledging these traits can help shift your perspective. Consider seeking therapy or talking to a trusted mentor to address the deeper issues that make you feel unworthy. Remember, healthy relationships begin with a strong sense of self. When you value yourself, you’re less likely to tolerate poor treatment from others.
3. The Illusion of Change: Hoping They’ll Become Who You Want Them to Be
Jenna had been with Lucas for several years, despite his frequent insults and lack of interest in her life. Yet, whenever she thought about ending the relationship, she recalled moments when Lucas was kind, generous, and loving. She couldn’t shake the belief that if she just loved him enough, he would eventually change into the partner she wanted. This hope kept Jenna holding on, even though Lucas’s good behavior was rare.
The belief that a partner will eventually change is common in toxic relationships. This hope can stem from early positive memories, occasional kind gestures, or promises of future improvement. Unfortunately, people rarely change in the ways we want or need just because we stay. Holding onto the idea of potential often leads to more pain and disappointment.
What You Can Do: Focus on your partner’s consistent actions, not their promises or occasional kind moments. If you’re unsure, write down your experiences. Often, seeing your relationship clearly in writing can help you recognize patterns of neglect or mistreatment. Remember, love is about being valued and respected in the present, not in some imagined future.
Moving Forward With Self-Compassion
Leaving a partner who treats you poorly can be hard, but spotting these behaviors is the first step to taking back control. If these situations feel familiar, remember that change is within reach. With awareness, support, and small, consistent actions, you can break free from unhealthy cycles and open yourself to the love, respect, and connection you deserve.