As a parent, watching your child struggle with overwhelming emotions can be challenging. Whether they’re confused, hurt, or stressed, intense feelings often lead to strong reactions that can leave you feeling helpless. In these moments, four simple words can make a difference: “I see you’re struggling.” By saying this, you acknowledge your child’s feelings, bringing a sense of calm to both of you. While it may seem counterintuitive to use such straightforward words during a storm of emotions, they provide validation, often reducing the intensity of the situation.
This approach to calming children during heated moments draws from principles that encourage gentle, understanding responses to ease resistant behavior. Let’s explore why these words work so well, how you can use them effectively, and some practical tips to stay calm during these difficult moments.
Why These Four Words Work
When a child, like 7 year old Lina, is in the midst of a meltdown, they often struggle to process complex thoughts or respond to commands. Saying, “I see you’re struggling,” shows them that you’re not there to argue or “fix” them right away. It’s a way of acknowledging their frustration without feeding into their anger. For children, validation from a parent can feel like a lifeline. They might not know how to put their feelings into words, but knowing you understand their challenges makes them feel less alone.
Take Oren, for example, who often had meltdowns over seemingly small issues, like bedtime routines or sharing toys with his sister. His mother noticed that when she calmly said, "I see you're having a hard time," Oren’s strong reactions slowly became less intense. For Oren, knowing that his frustration was noticed without judgment allowed him to start calming down on his own.
Tips for Using These Words
1. Manage Your Own Emotions. When your child is having a meltdown, your instinct might be to respond with frustration. But taking a moment to breathe before speaking can make a big difference. When you model calmness, you help your child settle as well. Remember, they’re looking to you for cues. If you stay calm, they’re more likely to follow.
2. Say It and Pause. After saying, “I see you’re struggling,” pause and give your child a moment to absorb the words. This isn’t about solving the situation immediately. It’s about showing that you’re willing to sit with them in their struggle without pushing them to feel better right away. Complete meltdowns often take time to subside; pausing allows space for your child’s feelings to safely settle.
Offering Empathy Instead of Solutions
While saying, “I see you’re having a hard time” gives your child a sense of support, and using kind, understanding words can make them feel even more heard. For instance, you could say, “This seems really hard for you right now, and that’s okay.” This approach works well with older children, like 10 year old Kieran, who appreciates his parents taking him seriously. He started feeling that his emotions were respected rather than dismissed.
Empathy reassures a child that they’re not wrong for feeling a certain way, which is essential for building trust. Children who feel validated are more likely to calm down and less likely to react defiantly in the future.
Encouraging Expression After the Meltdown
Once the intense emotions have passed, gently encourage your child to talk about their experience if they’re ready. For younger children like Inez, this could be as simple as saying, “Would you like to tell me what felt so hard?” For older children like Milo, you might ask, “When you feel that way again, is there something I can do to help?” Allowing them to reflect after the meltdown teaches them that expressing their feelings, even after intense moments, is safe.
Why Consistency Matters
Using “I see you’re struggling” consistently reinforces the message that you’re on your child’s side. The more they hear it, the more likely they are to believe it, even during challenging moments. In my experience, I’ve seen how consistent, calm responses can shift a child’s reactions, making meltdowns less frequent and intense.
The Takeaway
When your child’s emotions feel overwhelming, remember that these four words can be a powerful anchor for them. They offer a sense of safety, validation, and connection that helps them feel seen in their struggle. When a child feels noticed, they often don’t need to act out as strongly to be heard. With patience, practice, and empathy, you can help both of you find calmer moments in times of emotional turbulence.