A friend once shared a post on social media that read, “I want to be
someone’s number one.” She wasn’t striving to top the music charts, excel
in sports, or trend online. Instead, she was expressing her feeling of not
being anyone’s top priority. Judging by the responses, she wasn’t the only
one who felt this way. It seems to be a recurring experience for many
single people.
This feeling isn’t quite the same as being lonely or isolated. My friend
had plenty of people around her friends, family, and coworkers. However,
while friends and family may care deeply, they often have others who take
higher priority in their lives partners, spouses, children, or even pets.
In some cases, a friend might prioritize their babysitter or even the
plumber over you.
This situation might be less noticeable when you’re younger and
surrounded by other single friends. That’s when people often say things
like, “We’ll be best friends forever,” or “You’ll always be the most
important person in my life,” especially after a few drinks. But this type
of “forever” tends to be temporary. As more people find their significant
others, you may find yourself slipping down their priority list.
This can be hard because humans naturally want to matter to others.
There’s nothing quite like knowing that someone cares about you first
thing in the morning or thinks of you first when making plans. When
something significant happens in your life, whether it’s good or bad, it’s
comforting to know that someone out there is most concerned about you.
It’s reassuring to have someone who wants to hear your news directly from
you or experience life’s moments together.
The same desire can go both ways. When something big happens in that
person’s life, you want to be the first to know. You want to be their
first choice to share experiences and moments.
So, if you’re single, how do you manage this feeling of wanting to be
someone’s number one? First, it’s important to understand that being
someone’s top priority isn’t always a good thing. In an unhealthy
relationship, you could end up as your partner’s main source of anger,
frustration, or control. They might wake up each day thinking about you,
but not in a way you’d hope.
Also, always being someone’s “everything” can be too much. You might not
want someone obsessed with you in a way that feels controlling. Instead of
a relationship where you’re constantly together, a healthy partnership
balances time together and apart.
Secondly, even in committed relationships, you may not always be at the
forefront of your partner’s mind. Their focus might shift to past
relationships, current interests, celebrities, or even someone they
admire. It could also be work, alcohol, hobbies, or other interests. Even
if there’s no one else in the picture, your partner’s own priorities may
sometimes come before you.
And when children enter the picture, it’s common for couples to feel that
they’re no longer each other’s priority.
Moreover, the longer a relationship lasts, the more likely it is to hit
patches where you don’t prioritize each other as much. Even the best
relationships go through periods where partners need space. People can get
tired of each other or go through phases where other obligations take
over, like caring for a sick family member.
Thirdly, if your goal is just to be anyone’s number one, that might not
be hard to find. What’s more challenging is finding someone you also want
to make your top priority. A one sided relationship can lead to feelings
of resentment or guilt, which isn’t fair for either person.
While finding a meaningful connection may be a top priority, is your
second choice just a so-so relationship? Sometimes, staying single is a
stronger choice, definitely better than being in a bad relationship. There
are many benefits to being single, such as freedom, opportunities for
personal growth, and the freedom to dream big without anyone holding you
back.
Along the way, make sure you’re prioritizing yourself. That doesn’t mean
being selfish it’s about understanding yourself, knowing what makes you
happy, and treating yourself well. Don’t depend on others to make you feel
important.
Try building a network of friends, too. While each one may not always put
you first, together they can provide support and connection. You might be
the one who brings everyone together, the most valued person in that
network. By being a caring person, you never know how much you’ll mean to
others.
It’s undeniable how good it feels to be someone’s priority. It’s okay to
feel down sometimes because you’re not someone else’s number one. But try
not to compare your situation to an unrealistic ideal. That would be like
comparing your income to a billionaire’s. And keep in mind, anything
valuable takes hard work to achieve. Building and maintaining a
relationship where you feel valued takes a lot of work. Also, being in a
relationship that isn’t right for you can bring its own set of
challenges.