You can learn a lot about someone from their fantasies. Only around 1 to 2 percent of the U.S. population is diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, with some researchers estimating as low as 0.2% actually meeting the criteria. Interestingly, around 75% of narcissists are men.
So how do we identify a narcissist?
Start by understanding a key factor: their sexual fantasies.
What is Narcissism?
Narcissists are like a luxury chocolate hard on the outside, but soft and vulnerable inside.
Most narcissists truly believe they are superior to others in both words and actions. However, they also crave admiration and approval from others due to deep rooted insecurities.
Narcissists struggle with relationships, which isn't surprising since they often see themselves as more skilled or capable than others.
Inside a Narcissist's Sexual Fantasies
A study of 650 Canadian students explored their sexual fantasies. While individuals with high levels of psychopathy reported the highest sex drive, those with pronounced narcissistic traits engaged in sexual fantasies the most frequently.
Narcissists think about sex. A lot. Especially narcissistic men.
However, they don’t often think about their partner in those fantasies.
If their current partner appears in their sexual fantasies, they are typically just an accessory. The partner is often faceless and nameless, existing solely for the narcissist's physical pleasure.
In 2022, research conducted by Varga et al. collected information from 1,300 men about both their real and imagined sexual lives.
Men with higher narcissistic traits were more likely to objectify others sexually. They were also more likely to be aroused by themselves. Narcissists often face issues with premature ejaculation or delayed sexual response.
Common Sexual Fantasies of Narcissists
It’s easy to spot themes of superiority and dominance in the fantasies of narcissists.
1. Power and control: This can involve non consensual scenarios or ignoring a partner’s boundaries.
2. Being excessively praised: Narcissists crave validation for their sexual prowess.
3. Conquering challenges: They fantasize about bedding a virgin or someone who is married.
4. Being the center of attention: They imagine being the only man surrounded by eager women.
The pattern is clear: it’s always about them. There’s little regard for others, who are merely tools for the narcissist’s pleasure.
For narcissists, sex is less about mutual enjoyment and more about control. Their actions are driven by ego, not emotions or intimacy.
Narcissism and Compulsive Sexual Behavior
There’s a significant overlap between narcissism and compulsive sexual behavior, although drawing exact comparisons can be challenging.
According to Dr. Paul Hokemeyer, if you feel like you’re with someone whose sexual behavior is manipulative and lacks concern for your needs, you may be dealing with a narcissist. Their main goal in these intimate moments is to validate their own sexual abilities.
For many substance abusers, the lengths they go to in order to obtain their fix are often extreme. Similarly, narcissists may engage in deceptive or harmful behavior, like cheating or even sexual exploitation, to get what they want.
Some argue that a narcissist’s compulsive sexual behavior isn’t an addiction but rather a coping mechanism to mask their insecurities and connect with others.
Recognizing the Signs
Still unsure if you’re involved with a narcissist?
Look for these signs:
- A partner whose primary focus is on their own sexual satisfaction, sometimes at the expense of your comfort.
- Their sexual pleasure seems closely tied to their ego.
- If you reject their advances, they make you feel as bad as possible.
- They criticize your sexual performance as if it’s a piece of art to be judged.
- Your partner has affairs with people you know or were once close to.
While the odds of encountering a true narcissist are small, given that only 1 to 2 percent of the population fits this diagnosis, it’s far more likely that you’re dating someone who’s just selfish in bed.
But even then, isn’t that enough of a reason to consider making a change?