The word "narcissism" gets thrown around a lot these days, but it's often used incorrectly or in ways that aren't very helpful.
These days, calling someone "narcissistic" has almost become the default way to shut down a disagreement. This happens a lot in therapy sessions and even more in the media. Typically, the pattern looks like this: One person doesn’t like how another person behaves or what they say. They argue, trying to get the other person to agree with their viewpoint. At some point, when it becomes clear that neither side will budge, one or both parties will call the other "narcissistic."
While this label doesn’t really end the argument, it does give both sides an excuse to dismiss each other’s perspective. You might hear phrases like, "There’s no point in trying to explain it to you; you’re just self-centered." This type of dialogue cuts off any chance of meaningful conversation.
Using "narcissist" as an insult or as a way to criticize someone overlooks a key point about human nature. In fact, every person and really every living creature has some level of self-interest.
In therapy, I often explain it this way: If someone were 100% self-serving, everyone around them would suffer because they’d take all the resources for themselves. On the other hand, if someone were 0% self-serving, they’d give everything away and starve.
Simply put, self-interest is our natural drive to take care of ourselves. Every individual sees the world from their own perspective and recognizes that they need to respond to situations based on that viewpoint. Self-interest emerges when a person stands up for their view and looks out for their well-being based on their life experiences.
We all have to rely on our own judgment when dealing with challenges. If our judgment differs from someone else’s, we have a natural urge to say, "Hey, that’s not how I see things." Usually, this sort of discussion is civil, but it can sometimes turn into a heated argument when people stand firm on their views.
Self-interest is rooted in the concept of "social competition" seen in all species. Every creature, humans included, tries to figure out where they stand in relation to others. Focusing on what makes you unique or how you compare to others is one way to gauge your success. Essentially, self-interest is about making sure your perspective has value in your social environment.
Standing up for your point of view, which is at the core of self-interest, is not wrong. In fact, it’s crucial for functioning in any social setting. If we never defended our viewpoints, we’d simply give up, not even trying to move forward in life. Actually, this feeling of giving up when people feel their opinions have no weight is central to what’s known as the "social competition theory" of depression. From this perspective, having a strong opinion and defending it is something we all need to do because it helps us feel effective in navigating the world.
Now, don’t get me wrong there is such a thing as narcissistic personality disorder. This is an extreme form of self-interest, and it’s what most people mean when they call someone "narcissistic." But narcissistic personality disorder isn’t just about having strong opinions or defending your own views. It’s not just about disagreeing with someone else—it’s when a person genuinely doesn’t care about others at all. Narcissistic personality disorder is not only extreme, but it’s also quite rare (affecting about 1% or less of the population).
There’s also the term "toxic narcissism" that gets tossed around a lot. The truth is, there’s no official psychological diagnosis for "toxic narcissism," and no agreed-upon definition for what it really means.
Calling someone "narcissistic" often does little more than end any chance of mutual understanding. Before you use this term or allow someone else to use it, it’s worth asking whether you really think the other person doesn’t care about you or anyone else. Or is it possible that the issue is simply that you both have completely different viewpoints and good reasons for defending them? While this realization might not make reaching an agreement any easier, it at least keeps the conversation from coming to a dead stop.