While many of us grow up with nurturing and loving families, most of us know at least one person who has grown up in a fractured family. It's hard to pinpoint exactly when tensions cross a line, but when they do, adult children who have endured years of stress may feel the need to step back and create distance for their own well being.
Here are three major reasons why more adult children are cutting ties with their families.
1. Toxic or Abusive Parenting
One common reason for estrangement is the lack of love and care between parent and child. For many estranged adult children, their relationship with their parents is toxic, often rooted in years of neglect or abuse during childhood and young adulthood. Eventually, cutting off contact becomes both a painful and necessary step for these individuals.
"I’ve been estranged from my dad, stepmom, and two adult siblings for four years now. Abuse and childhood neglect were the reasons. It took years of therapy just to realize how terrible my childhood actually was. I have no regrets about it, said one user.
However, when parents ask why they were cut off, and their children explain, the response is often one of disbelief. Many parents struggle to accept that their child has chosen to cut ties, sometimes reacting with a sense of entitlement, as though it’s impossible for a child to make such a decision. It may take time for these parents to fully grasp and accept the reality of the estrangement. After a boundary is set, they may keep reaching out and continue to deny the situation for a long time.
Many estranged parents claim they don’t know why their children cut them off, but when pressed, they often reveal that their children gave reasons the parents dismiss or don’t fully understand.
"My kids never respond to my messages, let my calls go to voicemail, or barely speak when they do answer. They accuse me of being a horrible person but won’t explain exactly what I’ve done. Yes, sometimes they do, but it doesn’t make sense, at least not to me," explained one such parent.
They may suffer from emotional amnesia, blocking out any criticism they receive and instead remembering their children’s anger rather than the reasons behind it.
2. Unresolved Family Conflicts and Betrayal
Another common reason adult children stop talking to their parents is feeling deeply betrayed. This can come from situations like divorce, remarriage, or the parent starting a new family and neglecting children from a previous marriage. It’s a painful realization when the parent you once loved and valued no longer seems to value you in the same way.
A 2015 study published in the 'Journal of Social and Personal Relationships' found that married parents had more secure family bonds and were more likely to reconcile with estranged adult children than remarried or divorced parents. Secure attachment was key to reconciliation.
Adult children may feel taken advantage of or controlled in family situations, which can cause resentment.
"Cutting off contact was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done, but it feels freeing to know I no longer have to deal with narcissists. He felt entitled to me his whole life and used me as a pawn against my mom for custody he didn’t really care about. He just wanted her to suffer," explained another user.
Research show that being estranged from fathers is more common than from mothers. Of those who experienced estrangement, 81% reported reconciling with their mothers, while only 69% reconciled with their fathers.
3. Value Mismatches and Ideological Differences
Estrangement can also result from a clash of values, whether related to political, marital, or religious beliefs, or the acceptance of an LGBTQIA+ child. When parents and children hold significantly different values or viewpoints, tensions can rise, especially when one party dismisses, minimizes, or fails to respect the other’s beliefs. This lack of mutual respect can create a divide in the relationship, leading to feelings of distance and hurt on both sides.
"My parents weren’t abusive growing up… I had a mostly happy childhood. Then, in 2016, they started going further and further to the right and getting into conspiracy theories until they finally moved to a different state entirely for ‘freedom,’" shareed by one user. "Our values and beliefs have changed, and we no longer align. I won’t let my own kids be around them unsupervised after I heard them call COVID a Chinese hoax."
Disagreements over personal choices, such as marriage or lifestyle decisions, can lead to estrangement when parents refuse to accept or respect their child’s independence, whether it’s about sexual orientation or a son’s choice to take his wife’s last name. This lack of acceptance often deepens emotional divides, slowly widening the gap in the relationship over time.
Estrangement is often temporary, with many families reconciling after a period of separation, especially with the help of therapy. Accountability is crucial, with parents taking responsibility for their role in the rift. However, reconciliation isn’t always possible, and sometimes maintaining boundaries is essential for mental health. Not every relationship can or should be fixed.
When kids grow up without witnessing love and loyalty in their family, they often find it hard to make those values a priority in their own relationships. Families that consistently show love and respect rarely experience estrangement.