Narcissist's come in various forms, making it hard to identify a single trait that predicts their behavior. Addressing this dynamic is crucial in developing effective management strategies and increasing the chances of success when dealing with an egomaniac.
The confusion surrounding self centered personalities often stems from a common misconception: “If George is self absorbed, Hannah can’t be. They’re nothing alike.” While George and Hannah may appear different, they share the same psychological patterns. If both fit the criteria for narcissism, a perfectionistic top student and a popular, manipulative football captain might have the same mental makeup.
Let's begin by discussing the different types of Narcissist's, which will explain both (a) why they’re difficult to identify and (b) why it’s hard to recognize the underlying issue they all share.
How Do You Identify a Narcissist?
This list isn't complete, but it's a great place to start:
An Narcissist, or someone who meets the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), is someone who:
- Craves admiration
- Believes they are special
- Overestimates their skills and talents
- Values their own opinion
- Insists on being "right"
- Lacks interest in things that don’t involve them
- Is overly sensitive to criticism, real or imagined
- Looks up to or down on others
- Expects special treatment
- Sets unrealistic expectations
- Maintains shallow, manipulative relationships
- Fails to take responsibility for their actions
- Blames others for mistakes and misunderstandings
- Lacks empathy
Both psychologists and researchers have identified two main types of narcissists:
- The vulnerable narcissist tends to be more anxious, worried, and sensitive to criticism. This type is often more successful and less easily recognized by others.
- The grandiose narcissist is more flashy, charismatic, controlling, and manipulative. This type is often popular, socially prominent, and seen as a leader.
It’s important to remember that these behaviors, regardless of type, are only surface level much like the tip of an iceberg. Beneath it lies a fundamental flaw in their self image and self esteem, one that is fragile and prone to damage.
The Core Flaw: Immature, Unstable Self Image
This deep seated flaw impairs personal growth. Here is where the common thread emerges. It makes it hard to (a) form and maintain relationships, (b) manage emotions, and (c) process information accurately. This core deficiency is costly.
- The flawed self image affects the narcissist’s ability to form strong emotional connections because they need a partner who supports their emotions.
- This flaw explains their sensitivity to criticism and their resulting emotional outbursts.
- It also explains their distortion of facts and their tendency to "believe" their version of events.
This underlying self image flaw manifests in three key traits:
1. Arrogance
2. Selfish tendencies
3. Disregard for others/lack of empathy
The defective self image drives specific needs, causing them to act in ways that seek the “fuel” they require. Without this narcissistic supply, they feel empty, and their behavior deteriorates. They become more demanding, difficult, and unable to manage their emotional life.
- They need to feel important.
- They need to be treated as special.
- They are self-absorbed and can’t relate to the feelings of others.
Why Recognizing This Core Flaw is Important
Understanding and acknowledging this flaw leads to the most effective management strategies. Every word and action must be seen through the lens of the flawed self image.
Recognizing the egomaniac's unstable self image explains how to engage with them. If you want to avoid triggering them, don’t challenge these needs. If you want an egomaniac to like you, you must cater to these needs.
The key question to ask yourself is: Will this action or statement hurt their ego, challenge their self worth, or limit their involvement?
If it does, the interaction is unlikely to succeed, and the egomaniac may become angry with you. If it doesn’t, the exchange is more likely to be successful, and the egomaniac may tolerate your words and even consider your suggestion or proposal. Learning to choose your words and actions like this may feel awkward and unnatural, but it can help improve relationships with a difficult person.