Aging is something we all experience; no one is immune to it. Yet, nothing in our society brings about more widespread discomfort than the shame often associated with growing older. People can be shamed for various traits, beliefs, or behaviors, but we all encounter some form of spoken or unspoken shame as we age, and it starts as soon as we've barely begun to enjoy adulthood. By the time we hit our mid-30s, the changes are already noticeable. In a culture that glorifies youth, we feel the impact, and I often see clients in their 30s who begin to say things like, "I should have done this, I should have done that, I've wasted my life," even though they're only around 35!
While many cultures deeply respect aging individuals and recognize the vital role of elders, our society still places a premium on youthfulness. So, what are we supposed to do as we face the natural progression of losing muscle tone, hair, short-term memory, and many other physical and mental abilities, all in a society that considers us less valuable if we're not perpetually young?
What makes this even more challenging is that it’s not just society projecting this idea onto us we've internalized these messages from our surroundings. By the time we reach our 60s and 70s, we are often grappling with deeply ingrained stereotypes that we’ve absorbed over time. Thoughts like "my life is over," "I’m just here doing nothing," or "I have nothing left to offer" are common. But these stereotypes don’t align with the reality for many older individuals, who have accumulated a wealth of wisdom and still have so much to offer.
Shame is the feeling that there's something deeply wrong with who we are. This emotion can be particularly strong as we experience the inevitable losses that often accompany aging: physical losses, emotional pain, memory issues, and the loss of loved ones, all while dealing with an indifferent and often judgmental society. Let’s explore how we can become more comfortable with our aging process, and work on healing the shame surrounding getting older.
Transforming Toxic Shame into Healthy Shame
Last month, I turned 81. People often tell me I look younger than my age, and I’ve managed to "pass" as someone younger. I've enjoyed asking people how old they think I am, and they usually guess somewhere in the mid-60s. I take it as a compliment, which both feels nice and also points to the internalized shame I have about aging, just like many others in our society.
As a professional working with shame, I’ve come to believe in the concept of "healthy shame," where we accept and understand our limitations and realize that being human means we all have strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths and weaknesses vary and evolve over time. I explore this idea of healthy shame in my new book, "Embracing Shame: How to Stop Resisting Shame and Turn It Into a Powerful Ally." For many personal reasons, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how to handle the shame that seems to accompany aging in our society, and I’ve developed some insights.
As we grow older, it's important to find peace with the past, present, and future. If ever there is a time to heal from shame, it's when we are older. In many ways, our task as we age is to transform the toxic shame that society and sometimes we ourselves place upon us into healthy shame. Healthy shame involves humility about our limitations and understanding what our feelings of shame about aging can teach us. To achieve healthy shame regarding our own aging, we need to come to terms with what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen in the future.
We need to embrace aging with grace and dignity, not allowing others’ opinions or judgments to define us, control us, or diminish our self-worth. While it's true that aging comes with many difficult losses, it also brings remarkable gifts wisdom, empathy, and the ability to contribute to others by being nurturing, supportive, and generous.