When you think about what makes an "ideal partner," what kind of person comes to mind? Perhaps you imagine someone who shares your style, or maybe someone who appreciates your sense of humor. You might be drawn to people with similar interests or hobbies, or those who communicate in a way that resonates with you. While these traits do play a role in compatibility, are they really the core indicators of a partner who will truly complement you in a long-term relationship?
According to a recent study published in 'Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin', while these factors are important, they aren't the most essential aspect of compatibility. Instead, researchers suggest that personal values the guiding principles in life form the foundation of true compatibility. And among these, one value stands out: self-transcendence.
Here’s why this principle plays such a critical role in the quality of relationships and why it’s essential for partners to share it.
The Role of Self Transcendence Values in Relationships
The study found that embracing self transcendence values values that inspire us to care for the well being of others and see beyond our own needs was strongly and consistently linked to better relationship quality. At its core, self transcendence includes two key principles:
1. Universalism: This includes values like concern for others, respect for nature, and tolerance for differences. People who prioritize universalism care deeply about the welfare of society and the environment. In a relationship, this can manifest as a shared concern for social issues, a commitment to sustainability, or a deep respect for each other’s perspectives and backgrounds.
2. Benevolence: This reflects values like loyalty, compassion, and humility focusing on helping those close to us, like family, friends, and significant others. In a relationship, benevolence might look like putting your partner’s needs ahead of your own, providing emotional support during tough times, and making sacrifices for the relationship.
Together, these self transcendence values show up in relationships as support, kindness, and deep empathy for each other. When both partners are committed to these values, they are more likely to see conflicts not as battles to be won but as opportunities to grow together side by side.
However, when these values are not shared, it can lead to significant disconnections. One partner may feel unsupported or misunderstood if the other lacks empathy or the ability to see things from their perspective. Over time, these small mismatches can grow into a larger sense of disconnection.
Why Self Enhancement Can Harm Relationships
The researchers found that personal values often have opposing counterparts much like yin and yang. In the case of self transcendence, its opposing value is self enhancement. As the name suggests, self enhancement values are centered on personal achievement and power, making them the direct opposite of self-transcendence.
Interestingly, the study found that self-enhancement had a minimal impact on relationship quality. While self transcendence improves the relationship, self enhancement does little to benefit it offering no meaningful or positive effect.
You might think it's harmless to prioritize personal goals or ambitions more than your partner does. But while self enhancement may not directly harm relationship quality, it’s important not to overlook the fact that self transcendence has a clear, positive impact. Recognizing where your values lie is key, as the absence of self transcendence can lead to subtle but significant challenges in the relationship.
Why Partners Should Share the Value of Self Transcendence
Imagine this: Your partner is really excited about spending the weekend together, doing something fun that you’d both enjoy. On the other hand, you’re more interested in working on a personal project. Despite your different desires, you both end up thinking the same thing: “How could they be so selfish? Why can’t they see things from my point of view?”
You might argue that your partner is the selfish one for ignoring your need to focus on something you consider important. Conversely, your partner might see you as selfish for dismissing their desire for quality time and enjoyment.
As the study’s authors note, “When people struggle with their close relationships, it’s easy to see what’s wrong with their partner. In our more modest times, we may also acknowledge the impact of our personal traits and habits. But what about the potential impact of our deeply held personal values?”
In a situation like this, no matter how compatible you are in other areas, you could still reach an impasse. Even if both of you are emotionally intelligent and capable of discussing your differences calmly and effectively, the issue won’t necessarily be resolved. The problem isn’t one of emotional disconnect or mismatched interests; it’s that your values are in conflict.
Here, the difference between self-transcendence and self enhancement becomes clear. One partner is more focused on collective well being and the relationship itself, while the other may be more concerned with individual achievements and personal goals.
If both partners valued self transcendence, they might approach the situation differently: One could compromise by finding a personal project to work on alongside the other. Or the other could sacrifice a day of the weekend to spend with their partner and leave their project for the next day. Instead of seeing the issue as one of selfishness, they recognize the importance of each other’s values and rise above their own perspective to consider the other’s.
Valuing self transcendence means caring about your partner's well being, which also strengthens your relationship. This means understanding that small sacrifices and compromises will yield far greater long term benefits than simply satisfying your immediate desires. If one or both of you don't see the value in this approach, you might not be as compatible as you first believed. The true strength of a relationship may not depend on surface level compatibilities that change over time but on the deeper alignment of personal values.