Have you ever felt a relationship slipping away but couldn’t figure out exactly when or why it started? Relationships, like living beings, have a life cycle that includes phases of growth and decline.
According to Knapp’s relationship model, there are five stages of relationship breakdown. Each stage in the gradual unraveling of a relationship is marked by changes in communication, emotional closeness, and mutual investment.
Here are the five stages of "falling apart," leading to the end of a relationship:
1. Differentiating
The first stage involves noticing and emphasizing differences between partners. Conflicts may arise more frequently as partners focus on what separates them rather than what unites them.
Communication in this stage shifts from "we" to "I," and partners may start expressing a desire for independence or personal space. What was once seen as endearing or insignificant may now become a source of irritation or conflict.
This phase doesn't always mean the end of a relationship. It can also be a normal and healthy time for partners to rethink their personal needs in the relationship. However, if left unresolved, it can lead to further decline. For example, partners might clash over conflicting life goals or values that were previously overlooked.
Moreover, a recent study from Emerging Adulthood shows that, especially between the ages of 18 to 24, a greater number of stressful life events, such as changes in work, relationships, personal goals, and financial stability, can cause partners to withdraw from each other.
The authors of the aforementioned study from Emerging Adulthood, Ann Lantagne, Wyndol Furman, and Jamie Novak, explain how the seeds of discontent are first planted: "Resentment, criticism, and conflict may accumulate over time and gradually lead to the breakdown of the relationship. Negative interactions that arise as a result of individual traits, such as bitterness, unwillingness to compromise, or dishonesty, may also impact a relationship since they may be difficult to change."
2. Circumscribing
In the circumscribing stage, communication continues to deteriorate in both quality and quantity, but more intentionally than before. Partners start to spend less time together and avoid talking about difficult subjects.
The relationship becomes more superficial, and couples start spending less time together, experiencing both positive and negative feelings towards each other, which can contribute to confusion about whether staying together is the right choice.
The emotional distance grows as partners avoid sharing their thoughts and feelings. The relationship focuses more on keeping things the same than on building a real connection. For example, conversations may be limited to practical topics like household chores or schedules.
"Sooner or later, it was cold between us. A distance started to form. We didn't have our usual things to talk about anymore. The separation was basically a final stop in a process that had started years before. "I live in my world, and she lives in hers," says Dan, a participant in a recent study on why couples divorce later in life.
3. Stagnating
The stagnation stage happens when the relationship comes to a halt. Communication is rare, and when it occurs, it often feels forced or strained. Both partners might feel trapped in the relationship, unsure of how to move forward but also hesitant to end it.
"I don’t know what path to take; whether I should try to force this relationship to work and be open enough to support her in healing her wounds while trying to be a better partner, which I know will take sweat and blood, or if I should cut ties and give her my honesty and best wishes," writes one Reddit user, highlighting the struggles of stagnation.
At this point, many people often feel hopeless or like giving up. The relationship no longer grows or progresses, and partners find themselves going through the motions. The relationship may continue out of habit, convenience, or fear of change, but there is little to no effort to improve or revive the connection.
4. Avoiding
At this stage, partners start to distance themselves from each other, both physically and emotionally. The avoidance can be subtle, such as spending time apart, or more direct, such as avoiding calls, texts, or any form of interaction.
At this stage, one or both partners might start to pull away, almost living like they’re not in a relationship anymore. Their emotional bond is weak or gone, making it feel like the relationship is over, even if they haven’t officially ended it.
Avoidance can show up in different ways, like keeping physical distance, such as sleeping in different rooms, or emotional distance, like not making eye contact or having real conversations. Partners might stay out late, leave early, or avoid being at home when the other is around, intentionally spending less time together.
5. Terminating
The final stage involves the end of the relationship through a formal breakup or separation. Communication here primarily revolves around settling the separation, dealing with the emotional aftermath, and seeking closure.
A couple might have a final discussion to address their breakup, deciding how to handle shared responsibilities, assets, or living arrangements. They might also try to think about the relationship and figure out what went wrong.
Feelings during this time can vary from sadness and grief to relief and acceptance, depending on the situation. Partners may take significant steps like moving out, cutting off all contact, and informing their friends and family about the breakup. Here, they start the process of moving on with their lives.
Knapp’s "falling apart" stages highlight the complex and often painful process of relationship breakdown. Understanding these stages can help couples navigate their relationships more thoughtfully. Learning to recognize the signs of relationship decline can encourage them to take proactive steps to repair the relationship or prepare for a healthy separation.