If you want to understand what someone is thinking, learn to recognize projection.
Anthony, a man in his mid-30s, struggled for years with anxiety that was so intense he sometimes had trouble leaving his apartment, afraid he might have a panic attack in public. A quiet and sincere individual, he worried that he appeared pale or unwell. His anxiety worsened when he thought others believed he was sick in some way.
This man, who visited my office regularly, appeared strong and healthy, so there was clearly a disconnect between how he saw himself and reality. After discussing this for some time, I asked if he was critical of other people’s looks. Without hesitation, he admitted that he was highly critical of others, a trait he picked up from his mother.
Anthony was projecting. He was unconsciously assuming that everyone else thought the same way he did. Many of us do the same: We make assumptions about what others think without examining our own thought processes.
The idea of projection was first brought up by Sigmund Freud and is now a key part of psychoanalytic theory. While projection acts as a defense mechanism to protect us from parts of ourselves we may not consciously acknowledge, it also unintentionally reveals our true selves. Take Anthony: The traits and emotions he projected onto others were the same traits he struggled with internally. Projection can expose unrecognized emotional states. It’s often associated with people who are struggling emotionally, but it’s not limited to them.
Katrina often complained about her stepsister: "Paula brags about how popular she is. Worse, she hints that I’m jealous of her Instagram following." Later, Katrina mentioned that Paula had told their family that Katrina was dishonest about finances. Katrina was seeing me for other reasons, but Paula was a constant topic, which intrigued me, especially since I knew Katrina had a small group of lifelong friends and was carefully saving for her first apartment.
Katrina was confused by Paula’s comments. Should she be jealous? Should she try to reach out to more people? Was she not saving fast enough? I asked Katrina about how Paula handled her relationships and finances. Katrina began paying more attention and realized that Paula had been in a string of unfulfilling relationships and was always borrowing money. In reality, Paula was the one who struggled with jealousy and financial issues, not Katrina. Paula was projecting.
Recent studies show that people often project without realizing it, helping them avoid parts of their personality they don't like or find uncomfortable. While projection serves as a way to protect one’s self-image, it also accidentally reveals a great deal about the projector’s challenges. For example, it often indicates they are less self-aware and less able to manage their emotions or acknowledge their own poor choices. It provides insights into their inner conflicts, insecurities, and unacknowledged desires.
Here are two ways to use projection to your advantage:
1. Recognize it in yourself
Examine your assumptions about what others are thinking. What’s your go-to worry about others' opinions? That you might say something that makes you seem foolish or uninformed? That your clothes don’t fit right or your running speed is too slow? Now ask yourself if you think that about others. Do you pass someone in a race and assume they didn’t train hard enough? If you can catch your own projection, you can free yourself from a lot of internal misunderstandings.
Self-reflection is key. Spending time alone and reflecting on your thoughts and behaviors can lead to reduced anxiety and better self-awareness. It’s important to look inward with curiosity, not judgment. The more Anthony thought about his own judgments of others and understood how he inherited this habit from his mother, the more he realized he had no idea what anyone else was thinking and stopped trying to guess.
2. Recognize it in others
Look for patterns. Repeated accusations are a major clue. Are there people in your life who seem to confuse or upset you with their assumptions regularly? Pay attention to the patterns in their comments about you or others. If you can identify recurring themes in someone’s negative remarks for example, if everyone around them is "selfish" or "lazy" consider whether they are projecting their own insecurities.
Fact-check yourself. The more in tune you are with your own inner makeup and the clearer you are about your strengths and values, the better you can spot projection in others. When Paula projected her own jealousy and financial issues, Katrina initially wondered if she was, in fact, jealous or careless with her money, which caused her significant internal turmoil. As she became more self-aware, she realized that while she didn’t have much money, she managed it very well; Paula, on the other hand, spent irresponsibly on designer handbags to look good for her Instagram followers.
Anthony still occasionally asks if he looks pale, and Katrina may still question the importance of Instagram likes. But today, they both can recognize projection in themselves and others. Now that they each have their own internal "truth detector," they can see their lives, and the world around them, much more clearly.