Enduring love isn't just something that can be wished into existence; it grows over time through thoughts and actions. A recent study from the Marriage and Family Survey revealed the key elements that determine how long love can last in a relationship.
Authors Michelle Duda and Raymond Bergner explain this by saying, “To say ‘John loves Mary’ in a romantic sense means not only that he has feelings for her, but that he has a certain type of connection with her. This connection gives Mary a special place of importance in his life, one of great honor, value, and centrality perhaps the highest place someone can give to another person.”
Here are the four key factors that can help build a long-lasting relationship like John and Mary's.
1. Caring About Your Partner's Well-Being
Duda and Bergner say that lasting love comes from partners genuinely caring about each other's well-being. In strong relationships, this care isn't just a means to an end; it’s described as truly caring for the other person’s happiness for their own sake.
“Mary cares about John’s well being for his own good, not just because it benefits her,” they explain. "He’s not just like her mechanic or hairstylist, someone who fulfills her needs and desires."
Instead, Mary sees John’s happiness as an extension of her own and of their relationship. They both help each other grow, not because of rewards but because it’s a joy and honor to do so. They believe that neither of them, nor their love, can thrive unless the other thrives as an individual first. This genuine commitment to each other’s happiness without ulterior motives is the first foundation of lasting love.
2. Valuing the Exclusivity of Your Relationship
The second key to lasting love is clear exclusivity. Duda and Bergner explain, "Romantic love means that for John, Mary is his 'one and only,' which suggests exclusivity." They add, "It means John reserves this type of relationship he has with Mary one of closeness, sexuality, commitment, care, and more just for her.”
Respecting the special place your partner holds ensures they understand your commitment to them. Giving this kind of special attention to anyone else would be a deep betrayal—not only of their trust but of the relationship you’ve built together.
Exclusivity is not only about physical loyalty; it’s also about emotional loyalty. By protecting the close bond you share with your partner whether through words, actions, or both you safeguard the integrity of your relationship. In doing so, you reaffirm the strong, valuable, and irreplaceable nature of your love, which is crucial for its longevity.
3. Building Trust and Emotional Intimacy
Emotional intimacy is seen as the third pillar of lasting love. However, it’s important to distinguish true intimacy from the vague way the term is often used. Intimacy is much more than familiarity and attachment, or just feeling close. It’s something deeper, achieved when we open up the most private parts of ourselves to our partner.
The authors explain that true intimacy happens when "John makes Mary the most important person in his emotional life." They add, "This means he trusts her as his main confidante and ‘soulmate,’ sharing his hopes, dreams, successes, failures, worries, insecurities, and honest disagreements with her and he wants her to do the same with him.”
This kind of trust and openness takes a relationship from being just close to deeply intimate. You allow your partner to see you fully flaws and all trusting that they will still, and always, choose to stay by your side. When both partners feel safe enough to share their deepest fears, desires, and insecurities, they also share an unshakable sense of unity.
4. Accepting Your Partner for Who They Are
The final foundation is the complete and total acceptance of who your partner is and what they bring to the relationship. Duda and Bergner explain, “Love means that Mary doesn’t wish or expect John to be anyone other than who he is she’s not, so to speak, judging him with some mental yardstick and finding him falling short in major and critical ways.”
They clarify, “Though she may have issues with certain behaviors or habits, she doesn’t wish for him to be a different person.” This doesn’t mean ignoring flaws or overlooking areas for growth. Instead, it’s about embracing your partner’s authentic self with all their complexities and imperfections.
Lasting love, then, means loving your partner not in spite of their quirks and oddities but because of them. When both partners feel truly accepted for who they are, without pressure to live up to an idealized version of themselves, they can relax into the relationship. At the end of each day, you can both find comfort in knowing that no matter what mistakes were made, you’re coming home to someone who loves you just as deeply because of them.