The phrase "forgive and forget" is commonly used but can be misleading. It's often said to encourage or pressure people into forgiving those who have wronged them.
However, the idea that forgetting is the same as forgiving is mistaken. Forgetting completely is unrealistic. In many cases, it's safer and better to remember past wrongs instead of trying to erase them from your memory.
Forgetting isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiving doesn’t mean erasing the memory of the wrong; instead, it involves acknowledging the harm that has been done. Forgiveness requires memory, not the absence of it.
If you forget a wrong, you’re not truly forgiving you’re simply forgetting. For example, if you overhear a close friend talking badly about you but choose to let it go, you haven’t forgiven them; you’ve just forgotten.
True forgiveness involves holding onto some memory of the wrong, including the thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations related to it. In my research for my book 'You Don’t Have to Forgive: Healing Your Own Way', I found that no definitions of forgiveness included forgetting as a required element. In fact, many experts argue that remembering the wrong is essential for forgiveness to occur.
The idea of "forgive and forget" is misleading, suggesting that forgiveness should involve erasing the memory of the harm. In reality, remembering the wrong doesn’t mean holding onto anger or seeking revenge; it simply means you recall what happened. While forgetting might sometimes follow forgiveness, it’s not guaranteed. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you must lose your memory of the wrong.
Forgetting can be a result of forgiveness, but not always. When you forgive, you might forget the wrong or you might not. The process of forgiveness doesn’t mean you don’t have the right to remember the wrong later. The phrase "forgive and forget" creates confusion, as it implies that someone who forgives will have no memory or should have no memory of the harm.
Forgetting isn’t and never was a necessary result of forgiveness. Remembering wrongs doesn’t mean you’re holding onto anger or revenge; it simply means that you remember.
There’s No Starting Over
The idea of "forgive and forget" suggests that forgiveness allows us to start over and reset our relationship from scratch. This expectation is unrealistic because relationships don’t offer a blank slate. Instead, relationships are dynamic, constantly growing, and changing. Forgiveness doesn’t erase past events or reset a relationship; rather, it allows for the development of a new phase in the relationship, one that is inherently shaped by the experience.
A relationship can’t return to its original state, nor can it truly start over. Forgiveness helps repair the damage caused by a wrong, but the relationship will inevitably be different. For example, if a friend talked badly about you, you might need to set new boundaries, such as asking them not to discuss you with others. This change reflects the new dynamics in the relationship and rebuilds trust and security rather than trying to return to the past state or achieve an unrealistic fresh start.
Memory Supports Relationships
Memory strengthens relationships rather than undermines them. For example, if you forgive a friend who talked badly about you, and you later find out they’re doing it again, your memory of the past wrong helps you recognize a troubling pattern. This awareness is crucial for addressing and fixing ongoing issues in the relationship. Memory allows you to identify and respond to recurring problems and decide whether you need to set new boundaries or even end the friendship.
"Forgive and forget" is unrealistic and can be harmful to maintaining safe and healthy relationships. A better way is to "forgive but not forget," meaning you can forgive while still keeping the memory of what happened. An even more nuanced perspective might be "forgive or don’t, but remember," recognizing that forgiveness isn’t always necessary or appropriate, and that memory plays a key role in supporting and managing relationships.