The instinct to protect one's child is natural and commendable. However, when this instinct goes unchecked, it can have unintended negative consequences. In our current society, the drive to protect has intensified, often leading to the inadvertent stifling of children's resilience by shielding them from challenges. Despite living in one of the safest periods in history, parents are more protective than ever before. This paradox has contributed to a significant rise in depression and anxiety among children and teenagers.
What Is Overprotective Parenting?
Padilla-Walker and Nelson (2012) define overprotective parenting as a specific type of parental behavior that is distinct from other forms of control. They describe it as a style of parenting characterized by excessive protection and control, particularly during a child's transition to adulthood. This parenting style is linked to various negative outcomes, such as decreased life satisfaction and increased anxiety. Schiffrin et al. (2014) emphasize that overprotective parenting hinders a child's development, particularly in areas where the child should be gaining independence. Their research highlights that this parenting approach can lead to negative consequences for children's mental health, including heightened levels of anxiety and depression due to the lack of opportunities to develop coping skills independently.
On the other hand, there is the idea of overparenting. Segrin et al. (2012) describe overparenting as a form of parenting marked by excessive control and involvement in the lives of adult children, often leading to entitlement and a lack of adaptive skills. Their study underscores the importance of allowing children to face challenges and develop problem-solving abilities on their own.
While there is a significant overlap between these two concepts, there are some subtle differences that are important to recognize.
The Impact of Overprotection
Jonathan Haidt, a well-known social psychologist, has extensively discussed how overprotective parenting and micromanaging parenting have contributed to the rising rates of mental health issues among young people. Haidt explains that this type of parenting prevents children from building independence and resilience. In the past, children were allowed to explore their surroundings, encounter challenges, and resolve conflicts on their own. These experiences were crucial in building the problem-solving skills and emotional strength necessary for adulthood. However, in recent decades, the fear of risk despite a significant decline in crime rates has led parents to keep children under constant supervision, limiting their ability to engage in these essential developmental activities.
Fostering Resilience Through Challenges
The key is not to eliminate adversity but to allow children to experience it in a controlled and supportive environment. Parents should aim to be the "guide on the side" rather than the "sage on the stage." This means focusing on the child's learning and growth rather than the parent's discomfort in seeing them struggle. When parents rush to alleviate their child's distress, they may inadvertently undermine the child's ability to develop their own coping mechanisms. As Haidt suggests, allowing children to face manageable levels of anxiety and challenge is crucial for building their resilience.
Developing Distress Tolerance as a Parent
For parents to help their children develop problem-solving skills and resilience, they must first build their own tolerance for distress. It can be difficult to watch a child struggle, but it's important to remember that these struggles are opportunities for growth. By stepping back and allowing children to navigate difficulties, parents provide the necessary space for their children to develop the skills they need to handle life's inevitable challenges independently.
Building distress tolerance as a parent is crucial for allowing children to experience struggles and learn from them. Here are some effective strategies that parents can use:
Practice Mindfulness and Awareness: Mindful parenting involves being present in the moment and observing your emotions without judgment. When you feel the need to step in during your child's struggle, take a moment to recognize your own discomfort first. Recognizing that your discomfort is natural but not necessarily helpful to your child's growth can help you resist the temptation to step in.
Consider Long-term Goals: Remind yourself of the long-term benefits of allowing your child to struggle. Watching them struggle can be tough, but facing challenges is crucial for building resilience, learning problem-solving skills, and becoming independent. Keeping these goals in mind can help you endure short-term discomfort for long-term gains.
Reframe Your Thoughts: Shift Your Perspective:** Cognitive reframing is about changing how you view a situation. Instead of viewing your child's struggle as a sign of failure or something that needs to be fixed, see it as a valuable learning opportunity. Reframing can reduce anxiety and increase your tolerance for your child's hardships.
Set Boundaries for Yourself: Establish clear guidelines about when you will intervene in your child's challenges. For instance, you might decide to step in only if there is a safety concern or if your child explicitly asks for help. Setting clear boundaries can help you avoid making impulsive decisions when feeling uncomfortable.
Get Support: Talking to other parents, a therapist, or joining a support group can be beneficial for sharing your experiences. Sharing your struggles and hearing how others manage similar situations can provide emotional support and practical strategies (Schiffrin et al., 2014). This support can also help you feel less isolated in your parenting journey.
Develop a Tolerance for Uncertainty: Understand that part of your anxiety may stem from the uncertainty of not knowing how your child will handle the struggle or what the outcome will be. Practicing tolerance for uncertainty and accepting that you cannot control every outcome can help you let go and allow your child the space they need to grow.