Ari grew up in a household where her mother, struggling with mental health issues and financial instability, relied heavily on her for emotional support and assistance. From an early age, Ari assumed adult responsibilities, managing household chores, caring for her younger siblings, and providing emotional comfort to her mother. This reversal of roles left Ari with little opportunity to enjoy a typical childhood. While her peers were attending parties on weekends and skipping school, Ari was concerned about her mother’s ability to pay bills and trying to encourage her to take her mental health medications.
As Ari transitioned into adulthood, the effects of being parentified continued to influence her. She struggled with setting boundaries in her own relationships, often taking on too much responsibility and neglecting her own needs. At work, she found it difficult to assert herself and frequently overextended herself to assist colleagues, leading to burnout. In her romantic relationships, Ari felt compelled to care for her partners excessively, trying to help or even change them reflecting the caregiving role she assumed during her childhood. She sought therapy feeling "overwhelmed and inadequate," and during our first session, she quickly admitted, "I just feel anxious all the time."
Parentification occurs when a child is forced into the role of caregiver for their parent, both emotionally and practically. In this dynamic, the child feels responsible for managing the parent’s emotions, often becoming a source of support and reassurance. The child may also take on parental duties, managing household tasks and making decisions. This can lead to a sense of guilt and overwhelming responsibility when things go wrong that they cannot fix, further reinforcing the belief that they are to blame for any problems their parent faces.
Parentification can occur for various reasons, but it is often due to the absence of a healthy caregiver relationship. A parent turning their child into a substitute companion is common in dysfunctional families, with children becoming the emotional caregivers of one or both of their parents. This can be due to mental or physical illness, or other factors that prevent a caregiver from being able to effectively care for themselves in a healthy manner.
Although parentification can happen to all genders, I find that it is typically the female, especially the oldest daughter, who is most often expected to take on a parental role. This is likely due to a combination of societal expectations for women to be the caregivers and emotional burden carriers of the family, combined with the fact that many families parent children differently based on their gender, or perceived gender (Morawska, 2020).
It is important to understand that parentification is not always done intentionally. It is often due to a lack of awareness of the behavior, and a lack of understanding of how this dynamic impacts the child. An example of this is those who grew up in poverty in single-parent families, where reliance on the oldest child was necessary for the family’s well-being. However, just because it was not done maliciously does not diminish the impact this experience has on survivors of parentification.
Parentified daughters often exhibit a range of traits and behaviors as a result of taking on adult responsibilities and roles at a young age. Here are 10 ways that I see this experience manifest among survivors:
1. Over-Responsibility and Independence: Parentified daughters often take on too much responsibility for their age and develop a strong sense of independence. They often become highly self-reliant and independent, having learned to depend on themselves from a young age.
2. Difficulty with Vulnerability: Having been in roles that required them to be the 'strong one,' parentified daughters may find it challenging to show vulnerability or seek help from others. Many grew up feeling like they had no one to rely on, often due to a lack of a stable adult for support. This independence can sometimes translate into difficulty accepting help or support from others. This harmful pattern creates feelings of anxiety and fear at the thought of needing help from someone else.
3. Perfectionism: The stress of meeting high expectations can often result in perfectionist habits. As a result, many parentified daughters may strive to excel in all areas of their lives, including academics, work, and personal responsibilities, to compensate for their perceived shortcomings or to maintain control. They are also more likely to experience burnout due to taking on too much responsibility (Mortensen et al., 2017).
4. Struggling to Set Boundaries: Parentified daughters, who took on adult roles early in life, often find it challenging to establish and maintain healthy boundaries. They might have difficulty distinguishing between their own needs and the needs of others, leading to problems with personal space and self-care.
5. A Need to Help or Even "Fix" Others: Many of my clients, who grew up as parentified daughters, often feel a strong urge to care for or "fix" others, even if it means neglecting their own needs and well-being. This tendency stems from their early experiences where they had to take on responsibilities to maintain family stability. Consequently, they frequently find themselves in relationships where they play the role of the "parent" or the more mature partner.
6. Earlier Sexual Behavior: Research shows that experiencing trauma and neglect in childhood is linked to higher chances of risky sexual behavior, including earlier sexual behaviors, larger numbers of partners, and impulsive sex (Thompson et al., 2017).
7. Being Labeled as "Very Mature" for Their Age: Parentified daughters often seem more mature than their peers because of the adult responsibilities they've taken on. This maturity is often reflected in their behavior, how they communicate, and the choices they make. As a child, it is common for survivors of parentification to find themselves in age-inappropriate emotional and physical situations due to their pattern of being treated older than they are. Many report dating older men, seeking relationships where they feel a sense of comfort and validation from their caregiving roles.
8. Need for Approval: Parentified daughters often develop an intensified need for approval due to their early experiences of seeking validation through caregiving roles. Their self-worth becomes closely tied to meeting the expectations of others, as they have internalized that their value is measured by their ability to help and please those around them.
9. Struggles with Trust: In adulthood, survivors are often drawn to relationships with a lot of dysfunction and emotionally unavailable partners. Their early experiences can affect their ability to trust others and form healthy relationships. They might find it hard with intimacy or feel a constant need to prove themselves in relationships.
10. Guilt and Resentment: They may experience feelings of guilt or resentment, either for not being able to meet all the expectations placed on them or for taking on roles that deprived them of a typical childhood.
If you are struggling with the effects of healing from childhood trauma, seek the support of a therapist who can help.