Many people get stuck and can't move on from their most significant breakup. They keep replaying it over and over. They can't seem to be themselves or be present in new relationships. They fall into the trap of comparison because they can't forget what they felt, and they compare what they're feeling now to what they felt then.
Do you still replay "the big one"? Do you find yourself comparing old love to new love and wondering why it doesn't feel as intense? Is it hard to stay present in a current relationship or with someone you're dating? If your first major breakup continues to haunt you, the following four journaling prompts may help you revisit and process what happened so you can move through it.
1. Reflect on the relationship.
Write about the positive aspects of the relationship, the lessons you learned, and the growth you experienced. Examine any underlying patterns or dynamics that might have been happening beneath the surface. What was the pull that was fueling the attraction, and that you may not have been aware of? Is it tied to any misconceptions about yourself and your story?
2. Express your emotions.
Allow yourself to express your feelings about the relationship and the breakup freely. Express your feelings of sadness, anger, confusion, or any other emotions you're going through. Be honest and raw in your writing. Let it all out.
3. Acknowledge self-discoveries.
Explore how this breakup has led to any self-discovery. What have you learned about yourself during this breakup? How are you different today? Do you have new definitions of love, dating, and relationships? Have you discovered or rediscovered any personal values or qualities?
4. Imagine the outcome.
Imagine how you think the relationship would have actually played out if you hadn't broken up, knowing what you know today about love and relationships. How might it have unfolded? What issues might have continued to occur? How would you both have handled conflict? What happens when the honeymoon phase ends? How is it holding you back from falling in love? What would it be like to close that chapter of your life? To fully let go of it?
Understand that if you went back to that relationship now, you would have a completely different experience.
When you look back, you are replaying what you experienced from the perspective of your younger self. What you see is likely a distortion, not the truth. You are remembering what you felt not what it actually was. Read that again.
When you fall in love, your brain goes through many changes. The brain areas associated with reward, pleasure, and motivation become highly active, releasing chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin.
These neurotransmitters cause feelings of euphoria, attachment, and a desire to be close to the person you're in love with. The prefrontal cortex, crucial for decision making and critical thinking, may become less active when you're in a "lovestruck" state, making it harder to notice your partner's imperfections.
Learning to let go involves being kind to yourself and forgiving. I find myself blaming myself often for how I showed up (or didn't) in my "big one," and self-blame also keeps me stuck in that narrative. By blaming yourself, you are holding on. Giving yourself grace and knowing you did the best you could from where you were at that time in your life is what starts to release the anchor of self-blame.
Know that you did your best. You didn't have the awareness or tools then. Be kind to yourself. The more you blame yourself for what happened, the tighter the hold the event has on you. It was a part of your story, which was an important one. It's not about erasing it, and it can't be torn out. It's about you writing a new one.
We encounter people. We make decisions based on how we feel. Then we realize that other things were going on beneath the surface. We did our best. It didn't work out. We can look back and beat ourselves up for our choices we now regret, and wish that they never happened, and let those effects become stains on our story. We then absorb and believe we are less than, flawed, or unlovable.
Or we can believe we had to play it out. The stone needed to be turned over, even if there was nothing there. Because to find there was nothing there was of value. Otherwise, we would have lived in regret. As long as we have find value in learning about ourselves and love through the process.
This is what leads to acceptance and self-forgiveness. This is what leads to our growth and learning about ourselves through love, especially lost love. It's not about why the relationship didn't work (moving backward on the path) but rather what we were meant to learn from the experience (moving forward on the path).
Most of us get stuck in reverse. We dwell on "the one that got away" and on what might have been, and it keeps us locked in that one gear. We change gears when we start to believe (feel) that we were meant to collide with the one we collided with because there is learning to be had from every impact. And we wouldn't have that learning if we never played it out.