Are you assertive or more of a pushover? Effective negotiators consider both perspectives.
I probably shouldn't admit this flaw in a blog post where others might read it, but this is the age of transparency, so here goes: I'm a pushover. If you were to ask me to do something, I immediately start thinking about how I could possibly get it done. I grew up in a chaotic family, so I always tried to fix, manage, improve, explain, and help in any situation.
How bad is this habit of mine? I actually apologized in French to the two pickpockets who stole my wallet and passport in the Paris Metro. In my defense, I wasn't immediately aware that they were pickpockets, but still, it was not my proudest moment. (They had targeted me deliberately; it was just that I was apologizing.) And the lesson was fully brought home during the day I spent at the American embassy in Paris getting a new passport when I could have been viewing modern art at the Pompidou.
So, on the scale of assertive versus pushover, I find myself on the far left of the scale, at "extreme pushover." Now, there are exceptions. I've learned to say "no" to cold callers, real estate agents who want to sell my house without my interest, and, of course, pickpockets I see coming. But overall, I'm a pushover.
The good news? Some research suggests that I'm not alone. The world is divided into pushovers and assertive ones. The numbers of both groups seem to be about equal. But more importantly, most people are bad at figuring out which camp they belong to. So, at least in this regard, I'm ahead of the curve.
Moreover, we are relatively poor, according to the study, at determining how assertive we should be in, for example, a negotiation. Nearly two-thirds of people believe they are assertive enough. And 56% of those who are too assertive believe they are either being appropriately assertive or even less than ideally assertive. In other words, whether we are too assertive or too pushed around, most of us are wrong about our levels of assertiveness.
Why is it important to get this trait right? It turns out, negotiators who strike a balance between assertive and pushover achieve better deals for both sides. There is something to this idea of a win-win! On the other hand, if you think you've crossed the line at some point, you are likely to try to repair the damage either by becoming too aggressive or too passive. And taking to one action or the other will then cause you to worsen the deal for both sides.
Therefore, smart negotiators look at both sides and use the right amount of pressure to create a fair deal for everyone involved. And coming up in the rear, I need to learn how to be a bit more assertive.