The transition to adulthood can be challenging, especially for those dealing with financial instability, personal setbacks, or mental health issues. During these tough times, adult children might lash out at their parents, saying hurtful and disrespectful things.
Recognizing the importance of your role as a parent in understanding your adult children's struggles can help you navigate difficult conversations with empathy and self-control. Here are five common hurtful things struggling adult children might say and suggested ways to respond.
1. "You don't know what I'm experiencing."
- Adult Child: Franchell, 27, facing career challenges.
- Parent: Maria, 54, a retired teacher.
Franchell, frustrated by her inability to find stable work, lashes out at her mom, "You don't understand what I'm going through."
Response: Maria can calmly say, "I might not fully grasp what you're experiencing right now, Franchell, but I want to understand and support you. Can we talk about what's been happening and how you're feeling?"
2. "I wish you'd stop bothering me about my life."
- Adult Child: Mark, 32, dealing with a divorce.
- Parent: John, 60, a business owner.
Overwhelmed by his recent divorce and his parents' concern, Mark retorts, "I wish you'd stop bothering me about my life."
Response: John could say, "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm bothering you, Mark. My intention is to help because I care about you. How can I better support you without making you feel pressured?"
3. "I can't believe you did that; you've ruined everything!"
- Adult Child: Elise, 29, struggling with debt.
- Parent: Karen, 58, a nurse.
When a financial aid plan fails because of a misunderstanding, Elise shouts, "I can't believe you did that; you've messed up everything!"
Response: Karen could respond, "Elise, I'm sorry if my actions have made things harder for you. "Let's identify the problem and find a solution together. I'm here to help you."
4. "You never pay attention to my opinions."
- Adult Child: David, 25, battling anxiety.
- Parent: Rob, 55, a lawyer.
David, feeling ignored during a talk about his future, angrily states, "You never listen to me."
Response: Rob can respond, "I'm sorry you feel that way, David. I want to understand your perspective and hear what you have to say. Can we sit down and talk about it when you're ready?"
5. "You've never been there for me."
- Adult Child: Sophie, 31, is at risk of losing her job.
- Parent: Lynita, 59, an office manager.
Sophie, feeling isolated and unsupported after losing her job, erupts, "You've never been there for me."
Response: Lynita could say, "Sophie, I'm sorry that you feel I haven't been there for you. It's important to me to be a better support now. Let's discuss what you need and how I can help you move forward."
Effective Strategies for Parents
Here are some strategies I developed while researching my book, "10 Days To A Less Defiant Child." These involve a calm, firm, non-controlling approach that helps parents avoid unproductive power struggles.
- Stay Calm: Parents should stay calm when dealing with hurtful comments. Reacting emotionally can escalate the situation, while a calm demeanor helps defuse tensions.
- Active Listening: Make a conscious effort to listen to your child's concerns without interrupting. This shows you value their feelings and perspectives and encourages them to express themselves more openly.
- Validation: Help your adult child feel acknowledged and appreciated, even if you disagree with their viewpoint. This can help them feel understood and less defensive, fostering more open communication.
- Clear Communication: Be sure to express your feelings and intentions clearly and calmly. Explain that your concern comes from a place of love and a desire to help.
- Focus on Solutions: Shift the conversation toward finding solutions together. This collaborative approach not only fosters a sense of partnership and mutual support but also makes your adult children feel included in the decision-making process.
By handling these challenging interactions with patience and understanding, parents can foster a more positive and supportive relationship with their adult children. Embracing open communication and empathy lays the foundation for a healthier and more resilient family dynamic.