And if so, can we change how friendships evolve? Best friends forever, it’s something many of us who grew up in the 90's would write on our hands with markers. Most people I knew had at least one BFF. We imagined each other at our weddings, meeting each other’s kids, and going on future adventures together.
These simple notions of friendship are challenged as we grow older. Moving to new places, changes in personalities, and conflicts are just a few reasons we drift apart. It seems the number of long-term friendships is decreasing.
Our sense of social connection has decreased to the point that a loneliness epidemic has been declared in America. This led the U.S. Surgeon General to issue a health advisory on the topic in 2023. Loneliness affects 32 health issues, including depression, heart problems, and even death (Hong et al., 2023). Research has also shown a strong connection between social isolation and suicide (Shoib et al., 2023). With suicide rates higher than ever, this is particularly concerning.
Why Are Friendships Becoming Shorter?
Instead of the ideal of lifelong friendships, more and more friendships seem to be limited in time. Sometimes, it’s simply about losing touch. With more people working from home and fewer community spaces, we're seeing each other less, leading to a sense of drifting apart.
Another reason might be less tolerance for conflict. There was a time when ups and downs in friendships were normal, and most of these were not the end of the friendship. Today, there is much less tolerance. We are quicker to block each other or label each other "toxic," even when the friendship might be important to us.
Social media trends have certainly sent the message that cutting someone off when they aren’t supporting you is a positive thing to do. But is this always the case?
Fixing Friendships
Sometimes, ending a friendship can be beneficial. For instance, if you're trying to recover and someone pressures you to use substances, or if a "friend" has been abusive. However, this is a rare scenario.
There is a natural process in relationships involving connection, breaks, and repair. Relationship expert John Gottman has identified this reconnection as perhaps the most important part of the process because conflict is inevitable and can ultimately bring us closer (2000).
In friendships, we connect, have times of conflict, and then work through that conflict through reconnection. Or the friendship ends. There was a time when we could handle these issues. More and more, friendships are ending before reconnection is given a chance.
Continuing a friendship through conflict can also help us learn things about ourselves that can be hard to face but improve our lives. When we repeatedly cut off people who tell us things we don’t want to hear, we are vulnerable to our own narrow thoughts.
Three Steps to Repair
If you are looking to build skills in repair, it takes practice. Here is a three-step method:
1. Tell Your Friend
Sometimes, conflicts arise without one person knowing until we notice a friend is ignoring us. Discussing conflicts early is crucial to maintaining the friendship.
2. Ask for the Change You Need
If you are upset with someone, it can be tempting to rant about the ways they have wronged you. But asking directly for the change you need has a greater chance of success. If you can, request something specific. For example, if you notice you and your friend do the same things repeatedly, you could say, "Can we check out the Cat Café this weekend? It’s different, and I’d like to try some new things."
3. Be Kind to Your Friend as a Human
Our friends will inevitably disappoint us at times. Similarly, we will disappoint our friends at times. Offering some grace without assuming the worst can go a long way toward preserving friendships.
In Conclusion
Friendships do seem to be less lasting in recent times. While some may choose to accept this, it doesn’t have to be the case if we don’t want it to be. Taking a few small steps can help us repair and protect friendships.