The generation that once feared their parents now finds themselves fearing their children. Experts are noting a significant rise in adult children cutting ties with their parents. A recent study found that 26% of young adults are estranged from their fathers, and 6% are estranged from their mothers. Many parents report that these estrangements occur suddenly and without explanation, leaving them deeply hurt and bewildered.
Baby Boomers were raised by the "Greatest Generation," those who endured the Great Depression and fought in World War II. This generation tended to parent in strict, authoritarian ways, often telling their children, "Children should be seen and not heard." Spanking was a common form of discipline, and children were frequently afraid of their parents, particularly their fathers. Mothers would often warn their children to "wait until your father gets home." This fear-based approach was not only normalized but also seen as essential for ensuring proper behavior in children. Misbehavior was typically attributed to insufficiently strict parenting. Many men of that era have expressed that fearing their parents was crucial for developing into disciplined adults of good character. They often lament that their own children lack drive and resilience because they "had it too easy" and didn't fear their parents.
The children of these Boomer parents often chose to raise their kids in ways that contrasted sharply with how they were raised. Instead of the distant, hands-off (some might say neglectful) parenting style they experienced, this newer generation of parents tends to be highly involved in their children's lives, leading to the term "helicopter parenting." Fathers, in particular, were determined to parent differently from their own fathers and have championed the acceptance of fatherhood as an equal role in child-rearing.
These Millennial children of Boomers also strive to form more egalitarian relationships with their children, rejecting fear as a parenting strategy. Instead of responding to bad behavior with punishment, younger parents often avoid conflict with their children and are reluctant to set firm boundaries, fearing rejection. As a result, they are more likely to use discussion and reasoning as their primary disciplinary tools.
While these Boomer children have largely succeeded in raising children who are not afraid of them, one consequence of this parenting style is that the generation that grew up fearing their parents now often fears rejection by their children. Due to their parents' conflict-avoidant style, the children of Millennial parents have fewer opportunities to experience the kind of anger and disappointment with their parents that psychologists say is crucial for learning about healthy conflict resolution. In previous generations, the hierarchical, authoritarian relationship between parents and children served to suppress some expressions of anger and frustration that children and young adults naturally have about their parents' flaws and shortcomings. Without those restrictions, children’s anger, with nothing to push back against, has grown unchecked.
As newer generations grow up and separate from their families, their lack of experience with healthy anger, disappointment, and resolving conflicts with parents might make it more difficult for children to accept their usual feelings of anger and disappointment. Cutting off their parents might be a way to protect themselves from the difficult emotions they struggle to tolerate within themselves, blaming their parents for causing these feelings. In severe situations, especially if they lack experience with healthy conflict resolution in their families, individuals might completely cut off contact with their families to avoid the emotional pain.
Compounding these generational dynamics, experts tell us that it is quite common for estrangement to begin as a result of an adult child entering therapy. Younger therapists, raised by Boomer parents themselves, may also be less comfortable with anger and less confident in their ability to manage strong emotions in their patients. Consequently, they may be more inclined to encourage their patients to act out these feelings rather than modeling how to embrace and contain these emotions in the interest of healthy conflict resolution. When these less-experienced therapists work with parents who have been estranged, they may inadvertently amplify their patients' feelings of helplessness and despair by advising them to fear their children, stay silent, and not talk to their children about the impact of their actions.
Thus, we find ourselves in a situation where a generation that grew up fearing their parents now fears being estranged from their children.