Have you ever gone on a few dates with someone, only to find the connection fades or they suddenly disappear without explanation? You might have noticed a trend: after a few weeks or months, they reappear, start chatting, and then disappear again shortly after. This often leads to a cycle of sporadic contact and superficial conversation.
Unfortunately, this is part of a modern dating trend known as "Paper-Clipping." Just like the infamous Microsoft Office assistant "Clippy" would pop up at seemingly random and often unnecessary times, someone who is breadcrumbing appears inconsistently and unexpectedly in someone's life without any real intention to pursue a meaningful relationship with them.
Similar to Clippy's interruptions, being breadcrumbed can feel intrusive, disruptive, and emotionally confusing for the person on the receiving end, as they might initially interpret the attention as genuine interest. However, this behavior is usually just a way to keep someone on the backburner without investing much time or effort into the relationship.
Over time, such interactions and conversations become difficult to trust and with good reason. Interactions with a paper-clipper rarely lead anywhere meaningful, as there are no plans to follow through with meeting again or allowing the relationship to progress in any way.
Here are three reasons why people engage in paper-clipping, according to research.
1. Fear of Intimacy
Some people engage in breadcrumbing because they fear committing to a serious relationship and the emotional vulnerability it would require of them. They may want connection but struggle to be truly present in relationships, resorting to breadcrumbing as a way to maintain emotional distance.
Here's why insecure attachment styles play a crucial role in understanding such behavior:
- Anxious attachment: Individuals with this attachment style crave closeness and fear abandonment. They might engage in breadcrumbing to keep a connection with someone they're interested in, seeking reassurance and validation through intermittent contact. However, their fear of rejection often makes them pull away quickly.
- Avoidant attachment: These individuals value their independence and engage in breadcrumbing to maintain their autonomy while satisfying their desire for connection. They may enjoy the initial stages of a relationship but become overwhelmed when the relationship starts to progress and demands more emotional investment, causing them to retreat to avoid feeling trapped or smothered.
- Anxious-avoidant attachment: People with anxious-avoidant attachment styles desire closeness but also fear it. This inner conflict can lead to ambivalent behaviors in relationships where they engage in brief moments of connection without fully committing or risking emotional exposure.
2. A Strong Need for Validation
Breadcrumbing can serve as a source of attention or validation for the person engaging in it. Knowing that someone is interested in them can boost their self-esteem without needing a deep commitment.
In some cases, breadcrumbing can also be a way for individuals to exert power or control in a relationship. By keeping someone on the backburner, they maintain a sense of control over the level of emotional involvement in the relationship, dictating when and how the interaction progresses, which again fuels their sense of worth.
People with an unstable self-concept or low self-esteem may particularly engage in such behavior to reassure themselves of their worth, even if they're not interested in a deeper connection.
Paper-clipping behavior is often used to make sure one is noticed and appreciated by others. They might prioritize getting external validation over forming genuine connections, using sporadic contact to maintain a sense of importance in the other person's life.
3. A Lack of Self-Awareness
Sometimes, individuals might engage in breadcrumbing because they're unsure or uncertain about their own feelings or intentions. They might genuinely like a person but be uncertain about wanting a serious relationship, so they keep them around while they figure things out, which ultimately hurts both people.
The Power of Positive Regard
Moreover, individuals who are out of touch with their own emotions, values, and needs may struggle to form meaningful connections with others or be a consistent presence in their lives. Their pattern of reaching out sporadically reflects their inner conflict and uncertainty about themselves and their own goals.
Just as users eventually became frustrated with Clippy's interruptions and sought ways to disable or bypass them, the modern dating world is growing tired of being breadcrumbed. The key to more successful relationships lies in cutting out the paper clippers and inviting in meaningful connection, effort, and consistency from partners.