The 3 pathways to improvement, based on research.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy, Social Life Therapy, Intimacy From the Inside Out Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, Psychodynamic Couples Therapy...
The list goes on. It can be challenging to select a couples therapy approach with so many options available. Each method comes with its own theory of improvement, goals, interventions, and training programs, and, in some cases, its own body of research supporting its effectiveness in enhancing relationships.
What might surprise you is that many of these methods share a lot in common. Indeed, Sprenkle, Davis, and Lebow examined the research on relationship therapy methods and found common factors that determine what works in couples therapy to improve relationships (referred to as "mechanisms of change"). Their comprehensive research outlines three of the change mechanisms in couples therapy, across different couples therapy methods:
1. Helping Clients Collaborate Against the Real Enemy: The Interactional Pattern
In couples therapy, partners begin to collaborate against the negative interaction pattern they are caught in, rather than fighting each other. Across couples therapy modalities, challenges are viewed in social terms. This means that instead of focusing on any one individual in the relationship, clients start to understand that the problem is a dynamic, a pattern that neither partner likes or wants.
Of course, this will be different in cases of physical or psychological abuse, where one client will be held fully accountable for the abuse and the victim will not be blamed. Couples therapy is contraindicated in cases of abuse, and instead, clients are referred to a treatment program to develop skills and tools for anger management (for the perpetrator) or to build self-security (for the victim).
2. Disrupting Dysfunctional Social Patterns: Addressing Feelings, Thoughts, and Behavior
Every couples therapy approach will help you identify and disrupt negative interaction cycles. You will learn how you contribute to the dynamic, and your partner will be encouraged to do the same. In this way, you will begin to understand how to modify your behavior to help improve the pattern rather than fuel it.
In addition to behavior, your perceptions will be challenged and potentially changed. When you improve your understanding of your partner, you'll begin to see their actions in a new light, and the same goes for them understanding you better. As a result, you will begin to have a different perspective on both yourself and your partner. Although couples therapy modalities may vary in whether they aim to target behavior, thoughts, or emotions, these approaches will impact every layer of experience due to their interconnected nature.
For example, in Behavioral Couples Therapy, clients might be instructed to do something generous for their partner each week, which alters thoughts and emotions about one's partner. In Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy, clients may be encouraged to challenge negative automatic thoughts they have about their partner (e.g., "He is so selfish!") by seeking out evidence to the contrary, which also affects one's emotions and, consequently, behavior toward their partner. In Emotion-Focused Therapy, clients will explore their vulnerable emotions in the session and share them to create positive experiences that profoundly impact the security of the relationship and, thus, thoughts and behavior.
3. Taking it easy: Making room to listen and understand better.
In most couples therapy methods, clients switch between speaking directly to the therapist, taking turns listening to their partner speak to the therapist, and speaking directly to each other. Each of these roles holds significance in its unique manner.
Speaking to the therapist gives voice to feelings that the relationship may not otherwise have room for, allowing for the opportunity to slow down so that new feelings can be accessed and expressed. Clients delve deeper into their own inner experience to learn more about their underlying feelings and needs that drive negative patterns. Clients are often surprised by what can be uncovered together when there is more space given to their personal insight.
When clients are in the listening role, they develop greater understanding for their partner and what they are going through, fostering empathy and compassion that is often hindered by the negative interaction cycle that causes arguments to escalate so quickly. Clients end up missing each other in the negative cycle, but when things are slowed down, they can hear their partner instead of jumping to defensiveness. This allows clients to understand their partners in deeper and more genuine ways.
Clients are then able to take insights about themselves and this increased empathy for their partner and express it directly to their partner, creating moments of change that form a stronger and more secure bond.
Why Does Couples Therapy Work?
Couples therapy is a journey. Along the way, you will gain insight into yourself and your partner. Your thoughts will change, along with your feelings and behavior, in meaningful ways. While we couples therapists will almost always have our favorite methods (myself included), it's crucial to recognize that trust between you and your therapist is paramount. Knowing that your therapist can help guide you through identifying your negative interactional cycle, collaborating against it, and building greater empathy and understanding of each other is of utmost importance as you embark on your journey to a happier relationship.