Using communication to identify emotions is beneficial for both yourself and your relationships.
As the seasons transition, we're reminded of life and family changes. For heterosexual couples facing infertility, transitioning from IVF to third-party reproduction involving a donor or surrogate to conceive, or for same-sex couples navigating fertility hurdles, the journey toward family expansion can evoke a profound sense of loss for what was once anticipated but now feels distant. Fatigue, frustration, and conflicts with loved ones may ensue.
It's common for fertility patients to anticipate support from friends and family through each phase. This expectation is often automatic and leaves the fertility patient disappointed when their loved ones don't perceive the situation the way they do. When positive experiences occur, responses are typically positive, with minimal conflict. However, when treatment doesn't go as planned, or when the fertility patient opts for what may seem like an unconventional path, responses may not be uniformly supportive when the patient seeks support.
Studies have indicated that individuals undergoing unsuccessful fertility treatment can experience similar levels of depression as cancer patients. Therefore, when the path to family expansion necessitates difficult next steps, it's natural for the patient to feel drained from the accumulated stress of infertility, and disheartened by the unforeseen or alternative next steps.
So, how can one proceed with treatment and garner the support of their loved ones? One approach involves clarifying one's emotional state and then negotiating with others. Clarity about your feelings and perspective can be highly beneficial in grounding yourself and preparing you for productive discussions with others.
If you're uncertain about how you feel, it's likely your conversations will be infused with emotions from past losses and conflicts. Once the fertility patient and their partner are clear about their positions, they can become a united front, aligned in their purpose. From this stance, casual criticism and hurtful comments can be more easily deflected.
The stages of change, often used in the addiction field, can serve as a useful framework for shedding light on where you are and helping you communicate your plans for the future:
1. Pre-contemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Preparation
4. Action
5. Maintenance
Each stage may vary in duration, and there's no "right" way to navigate these steps. Each individual should honor their unique journey and allow space to pause or revisit a stage.
It's understandable to initially resist the next step or overlook it because embracing it may feel unacceptable. However, even attempting to progress through this list is a step forward in the process. By embracing the possibility of a new reality, the process of moving forward has commenced, and eventually, the next step will become the new norm.
Transitioning between stages may feel unsettling and elicit a desire to halt or skip a stage. Change isn't linear and often necessitates integrating a new reality before the next can be considered.
We can't force a seed to become a flower overnight any more than we can instantly become comfortable with a specific treatment or choice of donor, and then expect our loved ones to be on the same page. It may be hard to envision the flower when you're looking at the seed, but it's there.
Almost everyone who desires a child can ultimately have one. Those are pretty good odds. The journey may be complex and feel unfair (and often it is), but if we understand where we are and communicate our thoughts with our loved ones, we may find greater clarity for ourselves, collaboration with others, and a sense of empowerment. From that place, the path to parenthood may be smoother and even attainable.