How these obstacles sabotage romance.
"Who's sillier, a scared kid in the dark or a grown-up scared of the light?"
"Dear John, I need to let you know tonight that my love for you has faded, there's no good reason to continue, for tonight I marry another, dear John." Pat Boone
The pursuit of romance can be hindered both by rejection and regretting missed opportunities. However, which risk is truly devastating?
Heartfelt Rejection
"I turned down lots of guys, but when I got rejected for the first time, it really hurt." A woman
Heartfelt rejection can be one of life's most painful emotional experiences. When the rejection is perceived as final, it is a blow to our self-esteem, as it reflects another's unfavorable opinion of our worth or perceived inadequacy. We desire someone who doesn't desire us in return. Someone we deem suitable for us doesn't see us as worthy of their affection.
Below are varied responses (from Reddit) to the question: "Does anyone else struggle with a fear of rejection that prevents meaningful relationships?"
- "It's so bad I don't even bother trying to form relationships anymore; I just don't let people approach me."
- "I've been rejected a lot. I definitely fear the actual rejection."
- "I thought I had a fear of rejection, but after being rejected several times, I've realized I'm not scared of it at all."
- "I don't care about being rejected. If someone doesn't like me, that's fine with me."
- "I think the more you are rejected, the less you fear it. It could require experiencing some rejection before you begin to feel less affected by it. No pain, no gain."
The Road Not Taken
"The fantasy of what might have been is often more alluring than the reality of what it would have been." Anonymous
There is no respite for lovers these days, and not because the road of love they are traveling on is bumpy; it may be a bit tiresome, but it is still a worthwhile road perhaps one of the best in the history of mankind. Yet the elusive road not taken appears more enticing, especially when there are so many roads from which to choose (Ben-Ze'ev, 2024). Chasing a fleeting fantasy is often the problem, not the solution. Dreams about what is or may be "out there" often turn out to be a poor substitute for what we already have. We get stuck in our own dreams of what could be. Like the Eagles say in "Hotel California," "we're all trapped by our own choices." If we understand our situation better, we could break free from this trap, or at least make life in it easier.
Below are varied responses (from Reddit) to the question: "Does anyone else think about missed romantic opportunities occasionally?"
- "Occasionally, I ponder my past boyfriend who traveled far to prevent my wedding. He showed up the day before my wedding, wanted me to run off with him. Sometimes I think about how different my life would be if I had just gotten into his car. I've been married 11 years."
- "Still friends with her but I've always loved her and guess I always will. She's married and I don't go crazy over it, but I know she was always special. It doesn't mean that I love who I'm with now any less."
- "I think about it all the time. Just left a relationship and now I'm remembering the interesting people I've met/connected with in my life."
- "I was at a music fest in Miami for days. On the last night, a woman with whom I'd become friends asked me to sleep in her twin bed with her female friend. I did nothing. The following year, the woman comes up to me and says, 'I can't fully believe that we didn't hook up in Miami.' I don't know if I can forgive myself."
- "Two girls showed interest in me twice, wanting me to take action, but I hesitated and didn't respond." My self-confidence is crap and I freaking can't stand myself."
Two types of regret are regret over actions, more common in the short run, and regret over the road not taken, which increasingly looms over the long term (Gilovich and Medvec, 1995). This is also evident in the romantic domain. A research involving 48 women discovered that only one felt sorry for chasing her life dream, whereas nearly all of those who didn't chase their life dream regretted it, according to Landman's study in 1993 (pages 107-108). It is generally easier to find silver linings in our regrettable romantic choices, such as "having two wonderful children," valuable lessons learned, and new doors opened. Short-term regrets, like emotionally approaching someone and being rejected, rarely provide the same kind of compensatory benefits. Long-term regrets mostly concern lost opportunities, while short-term regrets are more preoccupied with actual hurt, like rejection.
Examining the Discomfort of Rejection versus Opting for a Different Route
"Numerous individuals worry about rejection since they crave validation from others. Remember, your self-worth shouldn't hinge on their judgments." - Harvey Mackay
Samantha Joel and colleagues found that despite the heavy psychological cost of romantic rejection, people perceive missed romantic opportunities to have greater and more dire consequences than rejection. People often choose to pursue potential partners even when their own fears about rejection and perceived chances of rejection are high, and attraction isn't mutual. These effects arise in part because the rewards of intimacy are more highly valued than the costs of rejection, and the cost/benefit calculations underlying romantic pursuit include additional rewards beyond intimacy (e.g., the many social benefits one receives from being in a relationship) and additional costs beyond rejection (e.g., the risk of ending up without a partner) that propel people toward pursuing rather than not pursuing (Joel et al., 2019; Joel and Mcdonald, 2021).
The ability to recover from romantic rejection is evidenced by the presence of much more advice on coping with rejection than with coping with the road not taken. Some advice about rejection instructs us to be aware of the prevalence of rejection, realize that the brief duration of its adverse effects and recovery is possible with time, not let rejection define our self-worth, be cautious of impulsive behavior, view it as an opportunity for growth, take care of ourselves and stay strong, keep busy and continue looking for someone else (see here, here, and here). There is less advice for missing a romantic opportunity, which suggests forgiving yourself, avoiding dwelling on missing someone, and finding the positive aspects of your current situation.
Leaving an Angry Partner: Strategies for Safe Disengagement
According to the saying, "A splendid disappointment is better than dreams in the drawer," healthy romantic discernment should involve less fear of rejection and greater Rejection Worse Than Heartfelt Regret?
Overall, positive romantic decisions, such as roads not taken, are more powerful than negative ones, like rejection. Rejection can be likened to a vaccine: it hurts at first, but it builds our immunity to future disappointment. Missing the ideal road not taken is not like a vaccine: it hurts for a long time and hardly contributes to our immune system. This doesn't mean that we should go down less desired roads to avoid the adverse consequences of rejection and the road not taken.