Personal Perspective: Transforming Negative Self-Talk into Positive Self-Assurance.
After enduring a challenging childhood, embracing self-love as an adult proved to be a daunting task. It seemed nearly impossible. Instead of playing, exploring, and nurturing self-esteem during those formative years, I was merely surviving.
Growing up in poverty, lacking basic necessities like electricity and hot water, and resorting to asking strangers for money to buy bread and soup left me steeped in shame and self-loathing. The trauma I experienced, coupled with my inability to cope with it, led to persistent doubts about myself and my place in the world even decades later.
However, embarking on a journey to heal my wounds and learning to rewire my brain from harboring negativity to seeking joy and confidence made me realize that loving myself was indeed achievable. It required experimentation and considerable patience, but once I committed to reshaping my thought patterns, self-love became more attainable.
Noticeably, I said "more attainable." Despite years of healing, I still occasionally succumb to negative self-talk. It's a common human experience.
However, I've developed awareness around it. When I catch myself engaging in negative dialogue, I employ one or more of these five strategies to reconnect with my confidence:
1. Reframe my thoughts.
A pivotal step in overcoming negative self-talk was becoming mindful of it. Whenever I catch myself criticizing, I mentally say "stop" three times and then counter it with something kind and affirming.
Additionally, I've incorporated a practice of stating three things I appreciate about myself while maintaining eye contact with myself in the mirror. This ritual is ideally done in the morning and before bedtime.
2. Acknowledge my emotions.
I used to suppress my emotions, hoping they would dissipate over time. However, emotions are meant to be felt and released. The word "emotion" stems from the Latin word "emovere," meaning to move out or through.
Nowadays, I make it a priority to fully experience my emotions. If necessary, I find a private space to explore what I'm feeling. I visualize the emotion as a character or image, probing what it signifies and what it requires my attention for. Is it linked to past traumas or unhealthy relationships? Emotions can serve as a valuable mirror reflecting unresolved wounds that need healing.
I also practice a condensed tapping exercise. Placing my hand on my heart, I tap while affirming, "Even though I feel this [name your emotion—fear, anxiety, sadness, etc.], I love and accept myself." I repeat this until I feel self-compassion.
3. Extend self-compassion.
While we're taught to show empathy to others from a young age, self-compassion often takes a backseat. I accomplish this by writing letters to myself or engaging in visualization exercises where I imagine a version of myself in need of love. I express love and appreciation to that younger, wounded self, using the same comforting language I would offer to a friend or child, saying things like, "You were so brave and resilient" or "I'm incredibly proud of you, and I love you."
4. Celebrate my achievements.
Previously, I would rush through life, ticking off tasks on my to-do list without pausing to acknowledge my accomplishments. This led to a sense of futility why bother? There was always more to be done. Life began to feel like a slog.
Now, I make a conscious effort to pause and celebrate my victories to give myself a high-five for completing mundane tasks and even more so for engaging in activities that nurture my well-being. Practicing yoga, meditating, getting a good night's sleep, and spending time outdoors are all worthy of celebration.
5. Reconnect with myself and pursue joy.
Whenever I feel disconnected or estranged from myself, I schedule quality time alone. I treat myself to a nice meal or take a leisurely stroll. I began applying the same principle to myself. When I feel downcast and negative, I carve out time to reconnect with myself and engage in activities that bring me profound joy.
Initially, this was challenging because I wasn't sure what brought me joy, let alone profound joy. It took time for me to delve deeper into myself and identify what truly brought me happiness. If you're unsure what brings you profound joy, I urge you to stop reading now and go on a solo date. You'll thank yourself later.
Loving ourselves is an ongoing endeavor, requiring us to cultivate a relationship with ourselves. And nurturing that relationship is just as if not more important than fostering relationships with others. Relationships take time.
However, having delved into my own reservoir of self-confidence, I can attest that the time invested in discovering the authentic me and embracing her was worth every moment.
It will be time well spent for you too, because we all deserve unbridled joy, profound happiness, and unconditional love especially from ourselves.